EKC Roundtable: How Can I Talk To My Child About Death Anxiety?
As much as it is a part of life, talking about death can be difficult. Talking to children about death can be especially challenging: where are the lines? What’s appropriate to discuss at what age? How do we explain something unknowable? It’s fair that it’s hard to figure out what to say, especially if you’re maybe not sure of your own feelings on the subject. But regardless of how hard it can be, these are questions that come up for almost every parent.
Maybe your child’s asked what happens when we die, or worries about a grandparent living abroad, or they’re repeatedly wondering whether you’ll always be there. How can we comfort them when we can’t promise that nothing bad will happen?
For expat children and Third Culture Kids (TCKs), there’s another layer of complexity. Growing up between countries often means repeated goodbyes and missing loved ones while navigating unfamiliar places. These experiences can shape how children understand death, separation, and the possibility of never seeing someone again.
We came together for this month’s EKC Roundtable to discuss death anxiety, grief in expat families, and how parents can support their children when they’re afraid of death themselves.
Why Can Death Anxiety Be Especially Tough For TCKs?
Jamie opened our discussion with exactly this question. She explained that having loved ones who live far away can make the fear of losing them feel particularly close. A child who sees their grandmother once a year might wonder, “what if this is the last time I see her?”
TCKs also experience smaller losses: friends move away, families relocate, and familiar places become inaccessible to them more often than might happen to their non-TCK peers. Jamie pointed out that repeated experiences of loss can make TCKs especially attuned to grief. In expat communities, goodbyes become so normalized that we might start questioning why they still hurt.
But familiarity doesn’t make loss painless. When children have experienced many separations, death can feel like another goodbye—except this time, there’s no possibility of reconnecting in the usual way. Death anxiety is an understandable response, and not a sign that something’s wrong with your child.
Can I Grieve Someone I Hardly Ever See?
Inka remembered working with a child whose grandmother lived in their home country. The child wondered why they felt so sad when they rarely saw her: essentially, whether they had the right to grieve someone who wasn’t part of everyday life. Comparing their sadness with a deeply affected parent could make these doubts even stronger.
But grief isn’t measured by how often we see someone. A grandparent might represent family history, cultural identity, belonging, a sense of home—even when visits are infrequent. Jamie noted that expat communities can normalize loss to the point that people judge themselves for being affected by it.
Kate brought up a child whose parent had moved abroad after separating from the other parent. None of the child’s friends or teachers had met the parent who had moved, leaving the child carrying a significant loss without many opportunities to share it. This kind of lonely or disenfranchised grief happens when a loss isn’t adequately recognized or supported by others. Sometimes, grief can start showing much later.
As Nota explained, we can grieve not only a person who died or otherwise left, but also the part of ourselves that existed in their presence. Perhaps a child spoke a particular language with their grandmother, or felt uniquely understood by a relative. Losing that person can feel like losing access to a part of themselves, too.
Children don’t have to justify their sadness. Their relationship with the person they’ve lost doesn’t need to meet anyone else’s definition of closeness for their grief to be real.
What If My Child Can’t Say Goodbye?
When someone dies abroad, a child might be unable to attend the funeral. Kate discussed how missing a funeral or mourning ritual can make a loss harder to process. These ceremonies are a time to remember someone and acknowledge that life has changed.
Culture also shapes how people grieve. Karolina noted that mourning traditions vary widely, and unfamiliar cultural expectations can make grief isolating. Expat families might have little transition time between a death, a funeral, and returning to school or work—and if the death happened in another country, this includes travel and coming back to a place where the surrounding community might not understand their need to mourn.
If your child can’t attend a funeral, consider having a private goodbye of your own. You can create a goodbye ritual that fits your needs. A couple ideas include:
Looking at photographs of the person or times together
Writing a letter to the person you’ve lost
Lighting a candle in their memory
Cooking a favorite meal you shared with them
Having a video call with relatives to connect and talk about the person you’ve lost.
Ask what feels meaningful to your child, rather than assuming they need a particular kind of goodbye. For expat families coping with grief across countries, these rituals can help children acknowledge the loss and maintain connections with those who shared the loved one’s life.
How Can I Talk About Death Without Making My Child More Afraid?
When children express fear, it's a natural instinct for parents to want to reassure them. You might be tempted to say something like “Don’t worry,” or “I’m not going to die for a long time.” We want to make the fear disappear, but Karolina encouraged us to resist relying on reassurance alone. Instead, make room for the feelings and questions, acknowledging that death can be frightening for everyone. Take the opportunity to open the conversation. “Thinking about death sounds like it might be really scary right now. What part worries you the most?”
A child asking “What if you die?” might fear being alone, wonder what happens after death, or struggle with the idea that someone can’t come back. Listening first helps you understand what they need. You can offer practical, truthful reassurance, such as explaining who would care for them if something happened, without promising that nothing bad will ever happen.
Inka also suggested asking whether anything is adding to the anxiety, such as repeated exposure to death in news or social media, misconceptions about death, or frightening ideas about the end of the world. Your child doesn’t need every question answered to feel supported. Sometimes, knowing that a trusted adult can listen without dismissing their fear is more helpful than receiving certainty that nobody can provide.
How Do We Make Peace With The Unknowable?
Jackie suggested that approaching death with curiosity can sometimes ease death anxiety. Ask your child what they think happens when someone dies. Their answer might show that they’ve misunderstood the concept of death, or that they have a fear they haven’t previously expressed. Use clear, age-appropriate language. Explain that when someone dies, their body stops working permanently. Avoid phrases such as “they’ve gone on a long trip,” or “they’ve gone to sleep,” which can confuse younger children or create fears around travel or sleep.
Books can help introduce death as a natural part of life. Duck, Death and the Tulip by Wolf Erlbruch, for example, offers a way to discuss the subject without presenting it only as something terrifying.
You can also talk about your family’s beliefs about death, faith, and spirituality. Some families find comfort in religious or spiritual beliefs about an afterlife; others talk about how a person’s love and the mark they made continue through those who knew them.
Kate also reminded us that our bodies have built-in systems to protect us. Our hearts beat, we breathe, and our bodies respond to danger without conscious effort. Fear of death is connected, in part, to this natural drive for self-preservation. Understanding fear as a protective response can help children recognize and accept that their body’s feeling fear without assuming that something terrible is going to happen.
As Jamie put it, acknowledging the unknown can be more helpful than fighting against it. She described moving toward radical acceptance: learning to live with uncertainty rather than trying to eliminate it. This doesn’t mean liking death or never feeling afraid, but instead accepting that some questions remain unanswered while we stay connected to the people and lives we have today.
What If I’m Afraid of Death, Too?
Parents don’t need to be completely comfortable with death to support their children. Acknowledging that the subject frightens you, too, can help children understand that their feelings are normal. You can be honest about uncertainty while offering safety in the present.
It can also help to reflect on your own responses. Is talking about death difficult because of a recent loss, or unresolved grief? If these feelings make conversations overwhelming, finding support for yourself can help you support your child, too.
Jamie mentioned Atul Gawande’s book, Being Mortal, as a source of reflection on end-of-life care, mortality, and acceptance. His work offers a personal perspective gained during his time as a surgeon.
Helping children cope with death anxiety doesn’t mean removing every frightening thought, but instead showing them that fear, grief, and uncertainty are feelings they can share with someone who cares. For expat families and TCKs, who may already carry many experiences of separation and loss, that shared space can be especially important: you don’t need to know all the answers to face the questions together.
Navigating a Change? EKC is Here to Help.
Expat Kids Club isn’t just for people who live abroad – it’s for anyone who identifies as a current or former expat and needs support, anywhere in the world. We also offer video consults and appointments so our clients can build a stable, trusting relationship with their therapist, no matter where life takes them.
We specialize in helping people navigate new experiences and situations from the universal to the unique. Our mission is to help kids, teens, and families build resiliency, discover their identities and values, and form healthy coping strategies to manage the tough moments.
EKC recognizes the importance of treating the family as a unit, bringing everyone together. We work with an individual approach and a systemic mindset to determine the best through any challenge.
Schedule a call today to speak with one of our therapists and see how we can help your family thrive.