Dear EKC,
Sometimes I feel like everyone else has their life figured out way more than I do. My friends are all amazing and they all have things they’re good at, and they know what they want to do and where they fit in. As for me, I have no idea. I’m still kind of trying to work out who I am.
I feel like I’m constantly comparing myself to other people even when I don’t mean to. At school, my friends and I talk about our grades and even though it’s just between friends it feels like a competition a lot of the time. I also always notice who seems the most confident or who has the most friends. Sometimes it motivates me to work harder but most of the time I just feel like I’m not good enough.
It’s also harder because we keep moving every couple of years. I’ve lived in a bunch of different countries and gone to different schools and I keep having to adjust to new groups of people. There are things I’ve learned that my friends haven’t, but they feel useless compared to everything I don’t know that they do. I feel like I’ve missed out a lot. Even when I meet other people like me, our backgrounds can be completely different.
How can I tell when comparing myself to others is helpful and when it just makes me feel worse? And as a TCK, is it fair to compare myself to people whose lives have been so different from mine?
—Trying to Measure Up
Dear Trying,
I’m glad you wrote in, because this is something we hear a lot—with our TCK clients and people who have lived in the same place their whole life. The long and short of it is, comparing ourselves to others is a natural part of growing up. You’re doing just fine.
We have an innate need to belong to a group. If you think back to our cave-dwelling ancestors, belonging helped people survive. Today, we still compare ourselves with others to understand our social standing and find common ground. It’s a way of working out where we fit in. For TCKs, comparison can actually be really useful when moving countries and schools or adjusting after friends leave. Watching how others interact can help you understand unfamiliar social rules and find ways to connect.
As you wrote, comparison can also motivate us. Some of the people I talk to find that having smart, focused friends also motivates them to study harder. But others feel like they’re the only person who isn’t smart enough around those same friends. It really can go either way: comparison isn’t necessarily the problem. It’s just also worth noticing what it makes us think and feel about ourselves.
You can be happy for a friend and wish you had their achievements, too. You can admire someone and feel insecure around them. These feelings don’t cancel each other out; they can coexist and they deserve to be acknowledged rather than dismissed.
When comparison hurts, ask yourself what’s underneath it. Are you feeling inspired to learn something new, or are you worried that someone else’s success means that you’re failing? Do you feel left out because you miss shared experiences, or are you afraid you don’t belong? Understanding these feelings can help you work out what you need, whether that’s encouragement, or connection, or maybe some extra kindness towards yourself.
Your question about comparing yourself with other people is especially interesting as a TCK. Our cultural backgrounds, values, family compositions, beliefs, and experiences of different countries can vary enormously. Even two people who have lived in the same country can have very different childhoods.
There is an important thing to note here: TCKs sometimes hold themselves to unfair standards. Comparing yourself with someone who’s spoken a language their whole life while you’re still learning it, or someone who’s had the same friendships for years when you’ve moved schools several times—this doesn’t actually tell you much about your abilities. You’ve had different opportunities and challenges. These are examples of times where you can admire someone else’s achievements without treating their progress as a measure of where you should be.
There’s also something else that can connect TCKs despite these differences: the experience of feeling “other,” or “different,” or like you don’t fit the box other people expect you to fit into. In fact, this is why sociologist Ruth Useem coined the term Third Culture Kid in the first place. If you’re looking for a book that might help you understand a little more, Ruth van Reken and David Pollock wrote Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds. Although TCKs’ individual stories vary, many recognize the feelings of having to explain themselves while adjusting to change, or wondering where home really is. That shared experience can bring people together even if their lives look quite different on the outside.
So: rather than asking why your life doesn’t look like another TCK’s, think about what you might have in common because of how you’ve grown up. You might also think about what you bring to your friendships. Maybe you’ve learned to adapt to change or see different perspectives really easily, or you’re good at noticing when someone else feels out of place. Not every tough time has to turn into a positive lesson, but you can be proud of who you are and share the parts of your story that are important to you. Telling your friends about traditions you grew up with and places that feel like home can bring you all closer together, too.
The next time you catch yourself thinking that someone else is doing better than you, remember that you’re only seeing one part of their life. Notice when comparison helps you connect or feel motivated, and when it leaves you feeling inadequate instead. Using the drive to compare in this way could actually turn into a good tool to keep in touch with your own thoughts and feelings. And remember: you don’t need to have the same story or abilities as someone else to be doing well. Your experiences have shaped you in their own way. You can be proud of who you are while you’re still figuring it all out.
Warmly,
Kate Berger
EKC Therapist