Are We Really Listening? How to Help Children Feel Heard and Supported
Parents and caregivers usually take on the role of “expert informants” in their children’s lives. They might think that they know their children’s needs better than the children themselves do, despite children usually insisting that that’s not it (“I’m DEFINITELY not tired!”). Maybe parents overvalue their own life experience or think that kids “do not always see things as clearly as we do”. But is this really the case?
While caregivers are usually coming from a place of love and doing what they think is best, sometimes they may need reminding that children can - in spite of their young age and lack of experience - have a fresh perspective or even insights about themselves that are worthy of our attention. We also know that supporting kids in developing autonomy is valuable, so we can get started with this already from a young age by supporting their agency in making everyday decisions.
What Does It Really Mean To Listen And Why Is It So Important?
Part of truly listening to children’s voices is recognizing that every child is a unique individual that has their own wants, needs, and views of the world. For example, one child may need a hug when upset, while another may prefer some space. Really “listening” means more than simply hearing what a child says. It means actively trying to understand what they are communicating, recognising their individual characteristics and preferences, and not assuming that whatever works for one child will necessarily work for another.
Oftentimes, when children are still young, parents naturally have to make many decisions on their behalf: what to wear, what to eat, when to have a bath, or what time to go to bed. But as children grow older, they gradually develop the skills and the cognitive capacity to make some of these decisions themselves - or, more importantly, to express their own perspective and wishes regarding these decisions - as well as more significant ones. Parents may get so used to deciding for their children that, as children grow increasingly capable of doing so, it can be easy to overlook this growing autonomy.
Yet, giving children the opportunity to share their input and make age-appropriate decisions is what helps them learn. By practising decision-making, children are gaining skills that they will continue to use into adulthood. At the same time, when adults ask for a child’s input and actually listen, the child, in turn, develops a sense of being respected and valued. They are learning: my voice matters, my comfort matters, my perspective matters.
This can be especially important for children growing up across different cultures, including those who move from one country to another because of their parents’ jobs or other obligations. The nature of these transitions is such that they are often shaped by decisions made by adults with children having little say in when or where they move. Therefore, having their individual experiences heard can be even more meaningful for their developing sense of self, particularly as TCKs usually navigate challenges related to identity formation and belonging.
How Can We Truly Listen To Children?
Children may not always express what they think, feel, or need directly. This is even more true the younger your child is; their brains may not yet have developed enough to do so or they might not have had enough experiences yet to learn how to express themselves in the way they want to.
Culture can also play an important role in how children learn to communicate their emotions and needs. When children grow up with a different “mix” of cultural influences, like TCKs do, these may shape the way they express themselves and sometimes that can differ from what their parents are used to or expect. Therefore, it is important for parents to keep in mind this kind of cultural difference when trying to understand where their child is coming from.
Regardless of their age, individual characteristics, or cultural experiences, when children do try to communicate their thoughts and emotions, they may do so in a variety of ways; through drawings, story-telling, or imaginative play. Upon creating fictional worlds and characters, in the clinical setting, we understand that the characteristics children usually assign to them may be pretty similar to their internal experience. For example, the story of a sad astronaut wandering alone into space might be a way for them to express their own feelings of sadness, fear, or loneliness.
By being truly present during the time we spend with them, we can notice these little cues and, thus, take the opportunity to initiate important conversations. But before starting conversations like these, let us not forget the importance of creating a safe space for our children, so that they can feel secure enough to talk to us. This means equipping ourselves with patience, openness, and curiosity so that we can give them enough space to open up in their own time. It also means responding with empathy, so that when they do open up, we are ready to listen without judgement or expectations of how they should think or feel. Creating such a space can begin with something as simple as the way we position ourselves when a child speaks to us.
Body language can play an important role in helping children feel comfortable opening up. By positioning ourselves at the same height as the child and by maintaining eye contact, we show them that we treat them as equals, that they deserve our full attention, and that what they have to say matters. Being closer to them allows us to better “listen” to what they are sharing, while also giving them the opportunity to see our facial expressions and better understand our intentions. Physical closeness can also foster a sense of emotional closeness, while symbolically reducing the sense of hierarchy between adult and child.
Another method of active listening and fostering security is reflection; this involves repeating back what your child has shared and asking questions. Ask them afterwards if you understood correctly and give them the opportunity to respond. Not only does this allow for better communication and a deeper understanding of how your child is feeling, it also can demonstrate that you care. You are taking the time to listen carefully and digest what they are saying to you.
How Do We Find The Balance Between Listening And Guiding?
Listening to children does not mean that there are no boundaries, or even that we have to agree with their choices or behaviour. Sometimes what a child wants to do may be inappropriate, hurtful, or cross a boundary. In these cases, how do we respect a child’s personality and individual preferences while still supporting them to learn and grow?
This balance may become even more challenging to navigate in families living between cultures, where children may be growing up with different cultural influences than their parents did. As a result, parents and children may develop different ideas about independence, respect, family roles, or what is considered appropriate behaviour.
An important thing to keep in mind is that if we want to teach children to respect others and their feelings, it is important that we model respecting them and their feelings first. This means taking the time to listen to their perspective and acknowledge how they feel, even when we still need to set a boundary or disagree with their behaviour.
Consistency is also very valuable in such cases. When we try to introduce a child to a boundary or a rule, it is important to be clear about it and consistent with our responses. If, for example, a child tries to “bend” the boundary, as difficult as it can be sometimes, we need to insist on it rather than give in. This does not mean ignoring how they feel or refusing to hear their perspective. Instead, we can acknowledge their feelings while remaining consistent about what is and isn’t okay. Otherwise, children may learn that our “no” does not have value and that they can “walk past it”, if they try hard enough.
What matters most of all, while guiding children towards growth, is respecting them for who they really are, not for who we want them to be. Showing them that we hear their needs and that we are there for them, even when they make mistakes, is how we make them feel loved, listened to, and seen.
Navigating a Change? EKC is here to help.
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We specialize in helping people navigate new experiences and situations from the universal to the unique. Our mission is to help kids, teens, and families build resiliency, discover their identities and values, and form healthy coping strategies to manage the tough moments.
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