Dear EKC: Why Aren't We As Close Anymore?

Dear EKC, 

I’m having kind of a hard time with my relationship with my sister, lately. It feels like there’s just a lot of change and I miss what we used to have. She’s a couple years older than me but we’ve always been really close. When we were little, we used to do everything together. We shared a room and watched the same shows and always played after school. When we started to get older, we still ended up laughing on the couch or whatever. It was always fun because it was us. I used to tell her everything and I admired her so much. It sounds kind of corny but she’s who I wanted to be when I grew up. 

She’s always been a constant in my life even as we moved all over the world for my parent’s work. But lately, it’s started to feel different. My sister just started uni so she’s pretty much never home anymore. When she is, she sees friends from our hometown or studies or basically just wants to be alone. I get it, she’s living in uni housing right now and has a roommate, so it makes sense that she needs some space and time for herself when she visits. But I miss hanging out with her. It’s not like we don’t talk, but it isn’t like it used to be. I know she loves me but I still feel sad about it. 

And honestly, it’s not just her—it’s me, too. Sometimes I don’t even want to make time to spend with her. I have my own life here too, and I also value having some time to myself. When that happens, I feel guilty, like I’m being a bad sibling. 

Is something wrong with our relationship? Even though other relationships come and go, aren’t siblings supposed to stay really close forever? How do we get over this hump? How do you know when it’s normal to be a little distant vs. when you should try to fix things? 

—Missing My Sister

Dear Missing, 

Oh man, is your letter relatable. This is something that so many people go through but that can always feel surprisingly tough: you’re experiencing a changing relationship. As a TCK, this might be something you’ve experienced before. However, no matter how many times you’ve already been through this, each time can, indeed, bring up sadness, confusion, guilt, or worry that something’s gone wrong. What is new about this change is that it’s the first time you’re going through this with a sibling, who—like you said—has been one of the constants in your life. So let’s get into it:

It makes sense that when you’re younger, always living in the same household with a similar routine, and spending a lot of time together no matter where you were in the world, you two were very close. Your sibling was a constant while your friends changed with every move. And you may even have shared many of the same interests. Everything here might have made your sister sometimes feel like the ONLY friend you had. 

As you’ve gotten older, it’s natural that your lives might go in different directions. This is especially true if one of you is focused on school or work, and the other might be more social, looking for new friends and independence. In addition to places changing due to moves, hobbies can also change, and sometimes people need time to figure out what they want their life to look like. 

Of course, the change that came when your sister headed off to university can make these differences even more noticeable. Not only is she on a new day-to-day routine (that might be in another timezone!) she is also adjusting to a new school and meeting new people, studying and all in a place that you are not in. While your sister is learning how to live more independently and work out who she’s becoming as an adult, you might be feeling left behind. 

This can bring up all kinds of feelings, including grief. For you, grief might be especially present because as a TCK, you’ve experienced so many people leaving before, too. That might make the feeling familiar, but not easier. Everything that’s happening is a lot to handle: it’s a big adjustment for both of you. While there may be less time together and feeling less geographical closeness, keep in mind that none of this automatically means that you care about each other less.

If you’re feeling the loss and missing her, it’s okay to say so. Let her know how you feel and find ways to take care of yourself in the midst of having such big feelings. Maybe you two can think of creative ways to spend time together: revisit a shared hobby, or plan a monthly movie night. This even works long distance! Set up a video call and hang out while you both watch the same thing on Netflix. A regular video call can also be a great way to go. Having it in your calendar will make it easier to stick to, even if it’s still flexible. 

It can also be fun (and helpful) to learn about her new life, her new friends and interests. Things might not be exactly the way they were before, but you’re in the process of transitioning from a kid relationship to an adult relationship and that always means some change. You’re changing too and exploring different things and people. Rather than trying to recreate exactly what you had when you were little, you can talk about what you both want now. Check in with each other and talk about what you need, give yourselves room to grow. 

And sometimes, wanting your distance is also okay. It doesn’t make you a bad sibling. It’s healthy to have your own friends and hobbies and it’s great that you know that you value your time alone. Sometimes we need space to recharge and reflect. Focusing on your own life sometimes is an important thing to do and wanting that space doesn’t mean you love your sister any less. 

It can help to find a middle ground. Maybe spending an entire Saturday together is too much, but the occasional movie night or baking session feels good. If you’re in different time zones, maybe have a meal together: her dinner, your lunch, over video chat. A quick check in or sending a meme, acknowledging each other, shows that you care without feeling like you’re having to put aside too much time or force it. 

Just like all relationships, sibling relationships don’t have to stay the same in order to stay meaningful. Simply through growing up, you will change how you spend time together, what you talk about, and what you need from each other. Giving yourselves permission to find a new way of being siblings—no matter where you are in the world—can bring a lot of joy into both of your lives. 

Warmly, 

Maayan Cohen 

Ad Hoc EKC Therapist