Dear EKC: How Do I Support My Kids When I'm Struggling Too?

Dear EKC, 

As a parent, I feel like I’m supposed to be the person my kids can always come to, but for the past couple weeks—months, really—I’ve been having a hard time myself. We just moved to a new country and I’m really struggling mentally. Some days, just getting through everything I need to do feels like a lot. I’m trying my best and everyone’s basic needs are met: we’re eating, we’re bathing, we’re exploring our new town, we’re going to school, but obviously they need more than that and I feel guilty all the time. 

My son has also been dealing with anxiety and my daughter’s facing something totally new herself: she was diagnosed with ADHD shortly before we moved and we’re working through getting her the support she needs at her new school. It’s different in this country than in our home country, and though the system seems like it will work well for us here it’s still a lot to navigate. As we’re going through multiple big transitions, they both have pretty strong needs, especially right now. Sometimes it feels like those needs are so different that I don’t know how to divide myself between them. 

I also don’t know how honest to be with them about what I’m going through. I feel like I should hide it, like I should be the Strong Parent who’s always able to help them, no matter what. I don’t want them worrying about me or feeling like they have to take care of me. But I also know that kids aren’t oblivious. They notice when I’m having a bad day, even when I try to pretend that everything’s fine. It makes me feel like I’m failing at something really fundamental. 

Honestly, I feel like I need a little time for myself, and I feel guilty for even thinking about taking that time. What if I’m out and one of them needs me? I never want them to feel like their needs are “too much” for me to handle. I want them to always know that I’m a safe space for them. My cup’s just really running empty at the moment. 

I also worry about fairness. They have such different needs and sometimes I feel like one of them’s getting the short end of the stick–and they’re watching, and they know it. I don’t want either of them to feel forgotten, even when one needs more from me in one moment. 

How do I get through this? How do I support my kids when I’m having a hard time too? Will it scare them if I tell them what’s going on with me? How do I give both of them what they need without running myself into the ground?

—Trying So Hard

Dear Trying, 

Thank you for writing in. I’m so glad that you did. It takes so, so much courage to ask for help when you’re already overwhelmed, and your questions are ones that come up for a lot of people. You’re doing a really good job in a really hard time. Take a deep breath: this is what we’re here for and you’re going to get through this. 

First things first: you’re not failing your children because you’re struggling. Kids don’t need parents who never have a hard day; they need parents who communicate and make room for their feelings. You’re showing them that everyone in a family has needs and that’s a really valuable lesson. You’re all going through a time of huge transition and it makes sense that everyone’s having a harder time than usual right now. International moves can bring up a lot of feelings: joy, excitement, anxiety, and grief, all at once. Taking care of yourself is part of caring for your family, not something to feel guilty about. 

Your instinct to hide what you’re going through is something we hear quite a bit: parents often feel that keeping their difficulties private protects their children or helps them focus on all of the exciting opportunities that a new move may bring. But most of the time, as you’ve found, kids do realize that something’s up. When they don’t understand what it is, they’re left guessing and that can cause even more stress. 

This isn’t to say that you should tell them everything—instead, share a small, age-appropriate piece of the truth. Maybe saying something like, “I’ve been having a hard time lately with the move and I’ve been working through some tough emotions. I’m taking care of myself and getting some help. None of how I’m feeling has to do with you: you haven’t done anything wrong.” 

Then give them an opportunity to ask questions: “Is there anything you’ve been wondering about?” They might ask a couple, or they might shrug and move on. Both are fine. The goal is to give them enough information to understand what they’re seeing while leaving room for questions, rather than giving them more information than they need. 

It can also help to reassure them that, even though you’re struggling, you’re still there for them. You can say, “I’m having a hard day, but I still want you to tell me if something’s bothering you. You can be just as open when you need time for yourself: “I need some quiet time this afternoon. Unless something is really important and you need help right now, I’m going to take some time for myself and we can talk later.” This helps kids understand that needing space doesn’t mean that you don’t want to be with them. 

If there are two parents in your family, talk together about how you can tag-team when one parent needs space. It could be that one parent takes the children out for an afternoon while the other stays home, or that you each have regular, scheduled time for yourselves. Finding ways to compensate for each other’s absence can make it easier for each parent to get the space they need.

You also brought up another really important point: supporting two kids equally doesn’t always mean giving them the same thing, or the same “amount” of care. This can be particularly noticeable with neurodivergent children, whose needs seem almost opposite. A lot of handling this comes down to balance and communication. With older children, bring them into conversations about family planning and support. Give everyone a chance to say what they need and what they can compromise on. With younger children, keep it simple with short, regular check-ins: “How are you doing?” “What would help?”

This is where the idea of fairness vs. equality comes in, too: we often have kids who ask us, “why does my sister get this when I don’t?” One way we explain it is to compare a papercut and a broken leg. If we treated everyone equally, they’d both get a bandaid. But the person with the broken leg needs much more than a bandaid; they need a cast. It’s not “equal” in that they don’t receive the exact same thing, but it’s “fair” in that both people get what they need.

Sometimes fairness means that one sibling needs more support today, just as they might need more support tomorrow. Sometimes we take turns being the person who needs a little extra attention, especially when going through such a big transition as an international move. It can help to explain to the kid who needs less at that particular moment that it doesn’t mean that their needs are less important: there will be days when they need more help too and you’ll be there for them. 

You don’t have to be available every minute to be a good parent. Helping your third culture kids learn that everyone has needs, including you, shows them the value in taking care of themselves as part of taking care of the family. You’re doing the best you can and that’s very well enough, no matter where you are in the world. 

Sending you good thoughts, 

Karolina Dąbrowska

EKC Therapist