Why Is “Back-to-School” So Hard?
The first weeks of a new school year can bring a strange mix of excitement and uncertainty. Everyone’s full to the brim with new pencils and folders and classrooms, teachers and routines and stories to tell about the summer. But underneath it all, many children are also doing a lot of adjusting.
Returning to school means moving from the relative freedom of the holidays back into a rigidly structured world. For some kids, it can be a bit of a relief to be back to structured timetables and expectations. For others, it can feel like too much to hold at once.
For expats, Third Culture Kids (TCKs), and neurodivergent children, the transition has even more layers. Friends move away over the summer, kids start new grades in new schools, maybe there’s even a new language to learn. Even when everyone seems excited to be back, a child might be carrying uncertainty or even grief that they can’t quite put into words.
So how can parents and teachers help kids return to school with a sense of confidence, while also giving them room to struggle and overcome their challenges? How can we respond when something goes wrong without turning one hard moment into a story about who a child is?
The First Weeks Back Are Draining
Let’s start by acknowledging a universal truth: the first weeks back, whether at school or work or even getting into a normal routine after a holiday, are DRAINING. It’s exhausting to remember everything we have to remember! For kids, life and routines are often, counterintuitively, less flexible than for adults. They can’t choose when to wake up or to take a day off under their own autonomy; adults choose these things for them. And this is important, to keep everyone aligned with schedules and expectations—but it can still be hard for a kid to accept immediately and automatically. It takes some time.
And then there’s school, with so many things to question and think about. Where do I put my bag? Which classroom am I in? Where’s my desk? Do I change classrooms in fourth or fifth period? Who do I sit with? What are the rules? When is it okay to talk and when do I have to stay quiet? What happens if I don’t understand the assignment? What if I can’t find someone to play with, or sit with at lunch? What if my friends are in a different class?
For kids returning to school after the holidays, even ordinary routines require extra mental energy. Earlier bedtimes and wake-up times create almost a sense of jetlag that affects sleep and daily function. A full school day asks children to pay attention and follow instructions while organizing their belongings and moving between activities and social interactions. They’re coping with new expectations while still coping with the huge transition from summer to school.
And there are always changes that come with a new school year. New teachers have new communication styles and each year brings greater academic and organizational demands. Changing schools can mean starting everything from scratch. And parents are watching their kids go through all of this and keeping them on schedule and up to expectations. No wonder we’re all exhausted!
So What Can We Do?
First, sit down, take a breath. It makes sense that we feel overwhelmed during this period: big transitions are overwhelming. That’s the nature of them. We’re here to support our children and ourselves in the best way we can.
You know your child best and you’re the right person for the job. There is no single, universal way for a child to experience a transition: different kids have different needs. Some children want to know everything ahead of time; others find too much information tough to handle. Some need lots of conversation while others need practical routines and reassurance.
Predictability can be an especially helpful tool during a school transition. Looking at the school timetable together and visiting the classroom beforehand when possible can make a big difference. It can also help to talk through changes in routine and prepare supplies the night before, to reduce the number of unknowns a child (and parent!) has to manage in the morning.
It’s also important to keep expectations realistic. Your child might need a little more downtime after school during the first couple of weeks. It’s common that kids are less patient at home, needing more reminders to do things that were previously automatic. Instead of seeing these changes as evidence that a child’s “slipping backwards,” remember that their day’s asking a lot of them.
This is especially present for parents who are themselves navigating expat family life and all that comes with it. Children often take emotional cues from the adults around them. When parents can acknowledge that a transition is hard without treating it as a disaster, kids receive the message that difficult feelings are something we can handle together.
What Does Resilience Actually Look Like?
We sometimes talk about resilience in children as though it means being able to bounce back quickly and stay positive while keeping going no matter what. But healthy resilience is more nuanced and isn’t about expecting a child to cope with everything independently. Resilience grows when kids experience challenges while also knowing that support is available. A child who makes a mistake, feels disappointed, asks for help, tries again, and eventually moves forward is a resilient child.
This is why mistakes are such an important part of learning. If kids learn that getting something wrong leads to embarrassment and criticism, they might start avoiding challenges altogether. If, instead, they learn that mistakes are expected, you’re creating a safe space for them to experiment and try again.
Parents and teachers can help by noticing and supporting the process rather than only focusing on the result. Instead of a “you’re so smart!” after a good grade, try saying, “I saw that you kept working on that even when it was hard! Good job!” When something goes wrong, try encouraging them to look at what happened and see if you can figure out a next step together.
Growth mindset for children is about helping them understand that skills develop through practice, feedback, support, and time. Incorporating small goals is a good way to help, too. A child having a hard time with increased demands for organization can make a list and remember to go through their list each morning. This changes a need for a ton of remembering to exactly one thing to remember: to look at the list and check it off. A kid who finds it hard to read might work toward a small amount of reading each day: fifteen minutes, with material they’re really interested in. A child who feels nervous about making friends might start by challenging themself to say hello to one classmate.
When kids see their own progress and that their parents are noticing it too, they begin to develop a realistic sense of confidence. “I couldn’t do this before, but now I can do a little more” is an incredible and powerful experience for anyone of any age.
Helping Kids Think Through Problems
One of the most useful things an adult can do when a child’s struggling is to resist the urge to immediately fix everything.
Sometimes kids genuinely need an answer or direct support. But when it’s appropriate, questions can give children an opportunity to practice thinking through a problem themselves. “What could you try next?” “What clues do you already have?” “Which part feels difficult?” “I think I have a hint for you.” This can create space for the child to participate in solving the problem.
This does not mean leaving a frustrated child alone with a problem. You’re staying alongside them while giving them an opportunity to think and ask for support. It can be a tricky tool: gauge if your child is in the right headspace to work through their problem. Sometimes a question is just a question and sometimes it’s meant to act as a connection or conversation starter with a trusted adult. But when there’s space and openness for curiosity and exploration, helping children develop problem-solving skills is one way adults can support resilience without demanding independence.
Don’t Let Setbacks Become Labels
A tough first week can sometimes lead tired adults to make frustrated conclusions about a child. “She’s lazy,” “he doesn’t care,” “she’s just a difficult kid,” “he just doesn’t try.” Sometimes our brains spit these words out at us, especially when we’ve been having a rough day or a stressful morning where we’re trying to get out the door. But they’re just words—they’re not actually explanations about what’s happening.
What is your child trying to communicate? If they’re refusing to start their homework, maybe they’re communicating that they need a little time to rest, or something to eat, or that they don’t understand the assignment. A kid who’s disruptive might be overwhelmed by noise or frustrated by work that feels too difficult. If your child’s seeming withdrawn, maybe they’re missing friends or feeling unsure about where they fit in.
None of this means that boundaries are unnecessary. Children still need clear expectations and predictable consequences, paired with adults who can calmly say no. But boundaries work best when they fit alongside an understanding of what a child can manage in that moment.
Positive parenting and school support are about responding to tough experiences in ways that help children learn what happened, what they need, and what they might try next. An adult who says “that’s okay, let’s try again” carries a very different message from “you should know this by now.” Saying “many people find this tough at first” can reduce shame while still communicating that learning takes practice.
Assessment Is About The Whole Child
Sometimes a child needs more than encouragement and a little extra time. If they experience persistent challenges with learning, attention, emotional regulation, social communication, or school adjustment, an assessment or screening may help parents and teachers understand what’s happening.
Child assessment and educational assessment can provide a fuller picture of how a child functions in school and in society without specifically searching for something “wrong” with a child. Good assessment also looks at strengths. Many kids struggle with written work while having excellent verbal reasoning, or they find communication tough but show exceptional creativity.
Looking at both strengths and support needs gives more useful information than a label alone. It helps parents and teachers consider which strategies and accommodations to use alongside teaching approaches and additional support. The goal is to make school (and home life!) feel more manageable.
Early support for children at school can be especially helpful when difficulties affect that everyday life. If your child’s consistently exhausted by school and increasingly distressed about attending, or if they’re struggling with keeping up, it may be worth talking with the school and a qualified professional about what can help. Just remember: an assessment doesn’t define a child; it’s just a source of information that can help us understand them more clearly.
A Tough Start Doesn’t Define the School Year
The first few weeks of school don’t have to go perfectly—in fact, it’s almost a guarantee that they won’t. But the tough moments aren’t evidence that a child has failed at returning to school, or that their year’s destined to be a rough one. For parents supporting children after school setbacks, one of the most helpful things we can offer is a steady relationship. We can remind them that one difficult day or bad grade or mistake doesn’t define them. There’s room to try again while also asking if they need something different from us.
Sometimes, the most supportive thing you can do is stop asking “what’s wrong with this child?” and start asking “what are they showing me and what can I do to support them?” We’re changing the conversation arounds setbacks from judgement to understanding. Kids deserve the chance to be learners rather than performers. The beginning of a school year is just the beginning of another year of growth and learning, nothing more and nothing less.
Navigating a Change? EKC is Here to Help.
Expat Kids Club isn’t just for people who live abroad-–it’s for anyone who identifies as a current or former expat and needs support, anywhere in the world. We also offer video consults and appointments so our clients can build a stable, trusting relationship with their therapist, no matter where life takes them
We specialize in helping people navigate new experiences and situations from the universal to the unique. Our mission is to help kids, teens, and families build resiliency, discover their identities and values, and form healthy coping strategies to manage the tough moments.
EKC recognizes the importance of treating the family as a unit, bringing everyone together. We work with an individual approach and a systemic mindset to determine the best through any challenge.
Schedule a call today to speak with one of our therapists and see how we can help your family thrive.