When Change Gets Hard: Supporting Third Culture Kids
When we talk about Third Culture Kids (TCKs), we’re using the term as a badge of honor. We’re acknowledging our kids’ adaptability, resilience, and courage. They’ve lived in different countries, learned to say goodbye and start over, and adjusted to new cultures, languages, and routines. This resilience has benefits, too: studies show that higher levels of emotional resilience lead to fewer mental health problems, regardless of measurement factors. From the outside, this can look like not only an exciting life and way to be, but an inspiring one.
But here’s something that can be easy to miss: being resilient doesn’t mean that change stops being hard. In fact, for many TCKs, frequent transitions can make them even more sensitive to change because it’s something they’ve had to face so often.
At EKC, we often hear from parents who say things like, “Why is change so hard? This is our third move so the next one should be easier.” And it’s easy to think that way! There’s a certain logic about it. But resilience doesn’t work like a muscle that simply gets stronger with repetition. It’s more like a relationship that needs care and attention every time it’s tested.
Let’s take a closer look at what really helps TCKs find balance between resilience and sensitivity and how parents, teachers, and therapists can support them along the way.
The Hidden Weight of “You’re So Strong!”
It’s natural to feel proud of your child’s ability to adapt. But when resilience becomes the main story, kids can start to feel pressure to always be okay, or at least look like they’re okay. They try their best to handle each move and every goodbye with a smile.
Sometimes, resilience starts taking the form of emotional walls. You might see a child who looks calm and collected, but inside, they’ve learned to shut down certain feelings to cope. While this helps them manage big transitions in the moment, it can also make it harder for them to be vulnerable or ask for help later.
It’s important to remember that building emotional strength doesn’t mean absence of emotion. When we praise resilience, we might unintentionally teach our kids to hide sadness, confusion, or grief. Over time, this can become a kind of self-fulfilling pattern where they feel that they have to be strong, even when they’re struggling.
Why Is Moving So Hard?
One of the biggest misconceptions about adaptability is the idea that if a child has done it before, they can do it again—easily. But every transition comes with new variables: different friends, schools, cultures, and family dynamics. The skills that helped last time might not fit this time around.
For example, a kid who coped well in one move because they found a supportive teacher might struggle more in a new environment without that connection. Or a teen who was excited about a previous relocation might feel frustrated about leaving behind the friends she’s made now.
The takeaway? Resilience doesn’t automatically carry over. Each situation deserves fresh understanding.
Growth Comes in Many Forms
Transitions are full of mixed emotions. They can bring confidence, like when a child realizes that they can handle something difficult. They can also bring pain. Both are a part of growth. What helps is talking openly about this duality. It’s really helpful for kids to see that feeling sad, angry, lonely, or anxious doesn’t mean they’re “failing at being resilient.” These feelings are natural responses to change and the adults in their life might be feeling them too.
When you frame transitions as experiences that include both learning and loss, your kids gain a more grounded sense of themselves. They learn that it’s okay to feel more than one at once, and that growth doesn’t always feel okay in the moment—and that, in itself, is okay.
Impact Can Be Hard to Spot
Not every child shows their sensitivity in obvious ways. Some may quietly withdraw; others might act out or show it through physical symptoms like stomachaches or trouble sleeping. The absence of visible distress doesn’t mean that the impact isn’t there.
That’s where you come in. You know your kids best and can look for subtle cues, like changes in mood, sleep, appetite, or energy. Trust your instincts. A child who suddenly becomes very “independent” might actually be finding it hard to reach out for support.
Being curious, rather than assuming, can make all the difference here. Try asking gentle questions, like “How are you feeling about school these days?” Or “What’s been the hardest part of the move for you?” Phrasing it this way invites honesty without pressure.
Avoiding the “Master Narrative” of Resilience
In many expat families, resilience becomes almost a family value: that badge of honor, as we mentioned at the start. And while it’s an admirable quality, it’s not the only one that matters.
Kids have a complicated relationship to change. This makes a lot of sense: adults often do, too. Some parts of them might genuinely love the adventure and novelty of it all, while other parts miss and crave the stability and familiarity of their last home. As one of our therapists, Adam, puts it, “there’s no simple formula in this crazy mix of recipes and ingredients.”
The goal isn’t to “fix” your child’s response to change, but to help them recognize and express all sides of it. Supporting both resilience and sensitivity allows them to build self awareness. It also helps them to approach new experiences without feeling like they have to shut down parts of themselves to cope.
So What Skills Matter Most?
For TCKs navigating change, as they so often are, some of the most valuable skills are emotional ones:
Self-awareness: Recognizing when they’re coping by shutting down or avoiding feelings.
Communication: Having the language to talk about sadness, fear, or excitement.
Flexibility: Understanding that each transition might feel different, and that’s okay.
Connection: Knowing it’s safe to ask for help, even if they’ve done this before.
Parents and educators can nurture these skills by modeling them. Talk with your kids about your own mixed feelings. Admit when you’re finding something hard. Talk through what you’re doing to help yourself feel better in the moment and how you’re planning to keep working through your emotions.
This shows that resilience isn’t about always being fine: it’s about learning to stay connected to yourself and others, even when things are changing. After all, resilience and sensitivity aren’t opposites; they work best together. Sensitivity helps us tune into what’s happening inside and around us while resilience helps us take the next step forward, even when it’s uncomfortable.
When we make space for both, we teach our kids that it’s not about being endlessly adaptable. It’s about feeling deeply and knowing that strength can look like many things, including tears, quiet moments, and asking for support. That’s where true resilience begins.
Navigating a Change? EKC is Here to Help.
Expat Kids Club isn’t just for people who live abroad - it’s for anyone who identifies as a current or former expat and needs support, anywhere in the world. We also offer video consults and appointments so our clients can build a stable, trusting relationship with their therapist, no matter where life takes them
We specialize in helping people navigate new experiences and situations from the universal to the unique. Our mission is to help kids, teens, and families build resiliency, discover their identities and values, and form healthy coping strategies to manage the tough moments.
EKC recognizes the importance of treating the family as a unit, bringing everyone together. We work with an individual approach and a systemic mindset to determine the best through any challenge.
Schedule a call today to speak with one of our therapists and see how we can help your family thrive.