EKC Roundtable: "What if I really want to stay?" Navigating Resistance Toward a Move
As we move through the summer, we’re in another season too: the most common time of the year to move house. Nearly 45% of annual US moves take place between May and August. And it makes sense! The weather’s gorgeous, the kids aren’t in school, and financial quarters come to a close, making space for new opportunities.
But moving can be hard. Even when it’s for a good reason, and even when a part of you is excited—another part might whisper (or shout): I don’t want to go.
At this month's EKC Roundtable, we talked about something many Third Culture Kids (TCKs) and their families face: resistance to moving. It’s so hard to be the parent of a child who’s begging to stay. And it’s also hard to be someone who’s feeling at home and is now being asked to leave it behind. These feelings are very real, and it’s more than just “not wanting change.”
Often, resistance is grief in disguise.
When “I Don’t Want to Move” Means “I’m Grieving”
Kate Berger opened our discussion by sharing a story of a client who had moved almost every year of his life. When he found out his family would be leaving the Netherlands, his reaction was overwhelming. The grief he felt wasn’t just about leaving a place, it was about everything that place had come to mean to him. It was the familiarity, the stability, and his sense of belonging.
As Inka Homanen pointed out, resistance isn’t always just about stubbornness. It can be a kid’s way (or an adult’s way) of coping. Saying “no” might be the only way to express something that’s much harder to say out loud: “I’m scared to lose everything that feels safe.”
Jamie Fehribach agreed. She noted that people often experience invisible grief. We’re not taught to recognize it when it doesn’t come with obvious signs, like a funeral or a goodbye party. But in moments of upheaval, grief is right there with us. And it makes sense. Losing your school, your friends, your routines, your language, even your weather—it’s all loss.
Resistance is a Response to Love
If you or your kids are feeling intense resistance to an upcoming move, it might actually be a sign that things have been going really well. You’re not wrong for loving where you are. You’re not being dramatic for not wanting to start all over again.
Jamie reminded us: grieving one place doesn’t mean you won’t end up loving the next one. Grief isn’t a message about the future, it’s a sign that something matters. And sometimes, that grief can even be grounding: it reminds us of what we value.
A helpful way to manage that feeling is to honor it. Instead of rushing past or trying to cheer yourself (or your child) out of it, make space. Treat the transition as something that deserves to be marked. Talk about your feelings and find ways that you can honor where you currently live, even as you move into your next chapter.
Rituals Help Create Meaning
Rituals aren’t just for weddings and funerals. They can help us move through all kinds of big changes. At the roundtable, Kate and Jamie both stressed how helpful it can be to ritualize a move, especially when children are involved. It might mean a goodbye party, a special photo book, or a final visit to favorite spots around town.
Some schools hold “classroom closings,” offering kids a way to say goodbye to their friends and teachers in a meaningful way. This might be as simple as devoting the end-of-day discussion to a kid who’s moving, or talking about moving in general.
Jamie also mentioned that families can draw on ideas from death-related practices, reshaping them to help with non-death grief. Wearing a “mourning bracelet” or using a specific candle at dinner every night can help make invisible feelings more visible, and manageable. She recommends the book The Power of Ritual by Casper Ter Kuile. The book offers creative ways to make everyday life more meaningful through small, consistent acts.
If you’re not sure what kind of ritual might help, try brainstorming a couple of really small ideas first. It doesn’t have to be elaborate. Even a moment of shared reflection, where you come together and write down memories, draw pictures, and talk, can offer comfort. When you find something that works for your family, you can build on that to keep processing everyone’s feelings.
Ideas for Helping with the Sadness of Leaving
Alongside rituals, there are other small steps that can help soften the emotional impact of a move:
Create a Goodbye List: Write down places, people, and routines you want to say goodbye to. Ticking each one off can give structure and closure.
Capture the Ordinary: Take pictures or short videos of everyday life, not just the big landmarks. The view from your window, your walk to school, the corner store. These details often hold deep emotional weight. It can also help to physically print the pictures out, so you can hold them.
Stay Connected: Make a plan to keep in touch with friends or teachers, even if it’s just a postcard or shared photo album. Knowing there’s a thread connecting you back can make a move feel less like a cut-off.
Build a “Comfort Box”: Pack a small box of familiar items and keep it close. It might include your favorite snack, a scent that reminds you of home, letters from friends, some photos. Having them close by can offer emotional steadiness during the early weeks after you move.
Make a Plan to Look Forward To: Even as you grieve what you’re leaving behind, it can help to plant a few small ideas for what might be enjoyable in your new home. It could be as simple as a walk in a nearby park, a book you’ve been meaning to read, or a local bakery to try. They don’t need to be exciting; they just need to feel gentle and doable.
For Parents: Your Child’s No Isn’t a Rejection of You.
When kids resist a move, it can bring up parental guilt. You might feel torn between what’s best for the family overall and what your child’s asking for in that moment. You might even worry that they’ll “blame” you.
Remember: the intensity of your child’s emotions isn’t a judgement of your decision. It’s a sign of how deeply connected they’ve become to where they are. And that’s something to celebrate, even if it comes with tears.
Give them room to speak. Resist the urge to immediately jump into solution mode. Sometimes, the best thing you can say is “I hear you. I know this is hard.”
It’s also okay to let them feel both things at once: sadness about leaving and curiosity about what’s next. You don’t need to rush them toward the bright side. Sometimes, you just need to sit with them in the dark for a little while.
For You: You’re Not Too Old to Grieve A Move
Maybe it’s you, maybe you’re the one facing a move you didn’t choose, or even one you did. Maybe you’re leaving university, or your parents are relocating and you’re feeling unmoored. Maybe it’s your partner who found a new job, and you’re excited for your family but still grieving the soon-to-be loss of your home.
You’re not alone, and it’s okay to feel that way. You’re allowed to want to stay. You’re allowed to feel like you’re losing something important.
Jamie offered this reflection: a place doesn’t need to be completely left behind. You can bring pieces of it with you: objects, memories, pics, even how you walk through the world. The café ritual where you sat by the window with your book and a tea? The mindset where you felt the most “yourself?” Those moments of joy you found in unexpected pleasures? You can carry those things forward.
You can also find ways to mark your own growth. Some people keep a “leaving journal,” writing a letter to the city they’re leaving, or reflecting on what they learned during their time there. It’s a way to acknowledge what mattered, without having to let go of it entirely.
Resistance is a part of the process. It doesn’t mean you’re stuck, it doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful. It means that something here mattered. When we name our grief, we soften its sharpest edges. When we create space to honor it, we allow ourselves (and our children) to move forward with kindness, clarity, and a little less fear.
Moving may always be hard. But you don’t have to pretend it doesn’t hurt. And you don’t have to do it all by yourself.
Navigating a Change? EKC is Here to Help.
Expat Kids Club isn’t just for people who live abroad – it’s for anyone who identifies as a current or former expat and needs support, anywhere in the world. We also offer video consults and appointments so our clients can build a stable, trusting relationship with their therapist, no matter where life takes them.
We specialize in helping people navigate new experiences and situations from the universal to the unique. Our mission is to help kids, teens, and families build resiliency, discover their identities and values, and form healthy coping strategies to manage the tough moments.
EKC recognizes the importance of treating the family as a unit, bringing everyone together. We work with an individual approach and a systemic mindset to determine the best through any challenge.
Schedule a call today to speak with one of our therapists and see how we can help your family thrive.