Dear EKC: How Do I Find My (Queer) Community?

Dear EKC,

We just moved to the Netherlands a couple of months ago and everything’s still feeling pretty new. I’m still getting used to biking everywhere, all the cheese (always Gouda!), and hearing Dutch all the time—plus trying to understand it. 

The hardest part has nothing to do with the language or food though, it’s that right now I feel totally alone. I’m out as queer to my family and friends from back where we used to live but I don’t know anyone here. My school seems pretty chill and no one’s been mean, but I don’t really know who’s safe to talk to or if there even are other queer kids around. I’m not super outgoing and I don’t want to make being LGBTQ+ my whole personality, but I also don’t want to hide it. 

I’ve seen some rainbow flags around town and that’s hopeful. There was also something about Pride Month in the news. The problem is that I have no idea where to start when it comes to actually meeting other queer people. What if I try to join something and it’s awkward or weird? What if everyone already knows each other and I’m just The New Kid who doesn’t speak Dutch? I have no clue what I’m doing.

Is it normal to feel this lost? How do I start building community and making the Netherlands feel like I belong here?

–Trying to Find My People

Dear Trying,

First of all, YES. It’s completely normal to feel lost. Starting over in a new country is already a huge adjustment and trying to find your queer community can feel like double the pressure. But I want to start by saying this: you do belong and you’re not alone. What you’re feeling is something so many LGBTQ+ teens (especially expat and international ones) go through. 

Finding your people takes time, but there are definitely steps you can take that feel manageable, even if you’re not particularly extroverted by nature. A good place to start is by checking out LGBTQ+ organizations online, especially local ones in the Netherlands. Many have Instagram pages (in English!) where they share events, resources, and support groups. Some are specifically for youth or international folks! 

If going in person feels too intimidating at first, you can start with a virtual event. It’s an easier way to get a sense of the vibe and see if it could be a good fit for you. 

It’s also okay if you’re not ready to fully dive in right away. You don’t have to show up and make best friends immediately and be super outgoing. You’re allowed to take your time and figure out what feels comfortable. Another thing that can help is finding a queer-affirming activity based on your interests, like art, sports, writing, or activism. That way, the focus isn’t just on your identity, it’s on something you enjoy, with people who are more likely to understand you. 

There are also spaces in the Netherlands (mostly for older teens and young adults) that might be worth checking out when you feel ready. Unwanted Words hosts monthly queer poetry nights. Some cities have queer gyms or queer climbing groups, if you’re into sports. And check your town or city’s expat Facebook group. They might not be LGBTQ+-specific, but it’s filled with other expats so you might also run into queer people there, too. 

When age appropriate, dating apps are another way to meet like-minded folks. It’s just really important to be clear with yourself about why you’re using them. Are you hoping to find friends? Casual dates? Something serious? Apps can be fun and exciting at first but they can also leave you feeling a little empty if what you want doesn’t match what others are looking for. The best way to avoid that disappointment is by being honest with yourself and your expectations before you start swiping. 

But no matter how you make it happen, the bigger picture is this: you’re totally right and valid in your desire for queer community. Finding and building that community can be one of the most affirming and protective things for your mental health, especially after a move. It’s not just about having people to talk to, it’s about feeling seen. And even though you’re new here, being part of the LGBTQ+ community gives you a shared experience with people who get it. That connection can absolutely make a place start to feel like home, just as you said. 

I know it feels scary to put yourself out there, especially when everything around you feels unfamiliar too. But building community, even a small one, can shift that feeling of loneliness into hope. You don’t have to change who you are or pretend to be super confident. You just have to stay curious and open to small steps. You’ve already taken a huge one by writing in. 

We’re rooting for you! 

Adam Németh

Psychologist & Ad Hoc EKC Team Member