Dear EKC: When Should We Tell Our Kids About the Move?
Dear EKC,
We just found out we’ll be moving this fall for my wife’s work. It’s a big move: new country, new school, new language, new everything. Right now, we haven’t told the kids (they’re 6 and 11). We keep going back and forth on when to say something.
I want to wait until we have more details so we can answer their questions. My wife’s worried that if we wait too long, we’ll blindside them. They’ve made really strong connections here, especially our oldest. His teacher’s great, she’s been a huge support, and he’s finally found “his people.” I don’t want him to feel like we’re pulling the rug out from under him.
Our six-year-old is also really into her dance class right now and has made some friends. I’m worried she’ll be sad that she has to stop, even if we can find a similar class in our new country. It just feels like it’s going to be hard on them, even though it’s a big opportunity for our family.
We’ve had some false alarms in the past with moving, and that disrupts the house schedule and general feeling. I think we’re also a little nervous that we’ll say something and have to change plans.
I know kids need time to process, but how much is too much? I want to tell them in a way that’s honest and kind, and doesn’t make them feel powerless or panicked. But how do we do it? When’s the right moment, and how do we start?
-Feeling Stressed About Timing
Dear Feeling Stressed,
This is such a thoughtful question and it’s one we hear a lot—especially from parents who’ve done this a few times already. You’re holding something big and you’re trying to carry it with care. That matters. Your kids may not know it yet, but that thoughtfulness will shape how this move feels for them.
Let’s start with timing. You’re exactly right in that it’s a balance between “not too early and not too late.” Sharing big news when it’s still very uncertain can create unnecessary worry—especially for little kids who don’t yet have the tools to process uncertainty well. But waiting until everything’s finalized and you’re packing the boxes doesn’t give them the time they need to prepare, emotionally or socially. It’s a tough one.
The sweet spot for most kids, the point at which you should tell them, is when the move’s “fairly certain.” You should at least have at least a few puzzle pieces in place, like when, where, and why. You don’t need all the answers (it’s not even always possible to have them all). But you can offer the reassurance that you’re figuring this out together, and that it’s okay to not know everything right now.
When you tell them, keep it age-appropriate—and trust your instincts. You’re the people who know your children best. Think about their individual needs, personalities, and how they usually handle change to help inform your decision. For your 6-year-old daughter, that might mean focusing on the basics. You can tell her where you’re going, what will stay the same (family routines or pets), and what will change.
For your 11-year-old son, keep in mind if he’s been through this before and how connected to his current environment. If you feel that he’s going to be stressed about a change, you can give a little more context and open up space for questions, while keeping things calm and digestible.
This might look like naming the news, then pausing. “We want to tell you something important. We’re going to be moving this fall. It’s not for a few months, but it’s happening.” Let that sink in before jumping to explanations. You can also remind him that, “We know this is a big thing to hear. It’s okay to have questions, or not even know how you feel about it yet. That’s totally normal.”
For both of them, it’s so important to make room for the feelings. All of them. Excitement, sadness, worry, anger, confusion–it’s all normal. It’s hard to leave friends and dance class and a place you feel you belong. It’s okay if your kids have a mixed reaction. In fact, we would expect there to be a mixed bag of emotions when they’re getting their heads around something this complex!
You can support their emotional vocabulary by naming some of your own feelings too, in a way that doesn’t burden them. “I’m feeling a little sad to leave our friends here too, but I’m hopeful about what we’ll find in the new place. And I’m looking forward to video calling with people back here and telling them about our new adventures.”
This is also a time to be honest about why you made the decision. Explain it in a way that makes sense to them: “Mom got a new job she’s really excited about.” Or, “This move will help our family be closer to grandma and grandpa.” And then pause. Avoid over-explaining or “selling” the move so hard that it doesn’t leave space for their feelings.
Another important thing to keep in mind is that relocation can trigger feelings of grief. Even a “good move” comes with—often significant—loss. Consider the ways in which you can acknowledge these difficult feelings by giving them time and space to grieve well.
Give your kids time to say goodbye well. One tool we use is RAFT: Reconciliation, Affirmation, Farewells, and Thinking Ahead. This can include writing notes to friends, taking pictures of favorite places, or making a memory book. It can also mean helping your kids come to peace with people or experiences they might be leaving behind. That kind of closure is powerful.
Turning to some of the great resources out there can help your kids understand what they’re feeling. For example, the movie Inside Out is a classic for emotional awareness (for all ages, really) and the main character moves to a new city.
Interaction International has a list of some really great books for children about moving, grief, and transitions. The FIGT community can be a great resource to connect with others who have —and are going through–similar things. Finding resources and communities that share experiences all can help kids feel less alone in what they’re going through.
The way you approach the conversation will shape how they feel about it. You don’t need to have every answer or present it all as perfect. But you can show them what it’s like to face a big change with honesty, warmth, and confidence in your family’s ability to handle hard things together.
Overall, we know you’ve got this! And if you’d like a little extra support along the way, our team’s always here to help your family find solid ground—even when everything’s on the move.
Warmly,
Kate Berger
EKC Psychologist