How do I decide? Choosing if and where to settle down as a TCK
Living a mobile lifestyle can come with many exciting perks, but being used to always moving usually makes settling down a bit of a challenge. As TCKs finish university and enter into adulthood, many TCKs find themselves conflicted about choosing what “home” will mean. Let’s explore together what could be helpful to consider during that time!
Why is it more difficult for TCKs?
We have to get this one out of the way - more often than not, there is some pressure to settle down. It might come from parents, siblings, friends, partners... Fielding questions about what’s next can be daunting and frustrating, especially when answers are nowhere to be found. Some TCKs might even experience jealousy when seeing their monocultural friends, for whom setting up the new chapter of their lives after college might feel almost like a no-brainer. All of these emotions are valid - the TCK experience, as enriching as it can be, comes with change as a constant, so a constant is a change!
A question of “Am I, as a TCK, actually capable of settling down?” might also come up for some. Many TCKs and adult-TCKs (ATCKs) have opportunities to live all over the globe. This might make it easy to constantly keep comparing different options, struggling to ever pick. That’s why the decision to settle down in a specific place is qualitatively very different for a TCK than it would be for their peers raised in a single culture. The migratory instinct can also be a big hurdle, especially for those used to moving on every two to three years. A city, or even a country, might feel well-explored after that time, and a TCK accustomed to frequent changes might already be looking for the next adventure.
All choices are okay!
So, what to do with all of these mixed emotions? It can be helpful to remember that since every TCK journey is unique, settling down (or not!) can look very different for everyone. Some TCKs cannot wait for a moment when it is up to them to choose where they will move. They may have been dreaming about setting up a long-term home somewhere like their passport country, whereas others may want to return to a country where they spent a lot of their childhood, or maybe a culture to which they are connected the most. Despite appreciating their globetrotting past, these people crave to plant stable roots in a place they will be calling home. If that’s you - great!
If that’s not you, also great! For other TCKs, having a permanent address might not feel like enough. The thought of always going to the same stores, strolling in the same park during the weekend, or walking to the same office every morning is bleak. It might seem as though, after seeing so much of what the world has to offer, settling down is just not an attractive option.
Although that is a perfectly understandable and valid choice, it’s important to consider if it’s being made for the right reasons. Sometimes, TCKs resist staying in one place because it feels like a threat to how they perceive themselves. Since frequent moves are all they’ve ever known, high mobility has become an integral part of their identity that they might not be willing to let go of easily. But learning to be comfortable with stability in at least some aspects of life can help create more meaningful relationships, rewarding career paths, and encourage the feeling of belonging. Remaining still (literally and figuratively) does not negate the past TCK experience!
No matter which path feels like the right choice, most third-culture kids find their “home” in TCK communities. Remaining connected to others who have and are living through the same joys, sorrows, and dilemmas can often bring invaluable support and understanding, especially with big life decisions on the horizon.
Committing “for now”
Living somewhere “forever” can be a very difficult concept to adjust to when your life so far has been defined by moving every few years. Sometimes, talking about settling down can lead us down the trap of all-or-nothing thinking, which can render decision-making a very stressful affair. Some TCKs find it helpful to reframe their thinking from “forever” to “for now”. Instead of having a tough battle with yourself to commit to a place indefinitely, try exploring if you are comfortable with deciding to stay somewhere for the foreseeable future. To some, settling down might simply mean being in the moment for now, but not with commitments that they will be there forever.
Something else to think about - TCKs are known for their unique skills in resilience and adaptability. These are usually an even bigger advantage in adulthood! A big part of reconciling yourself with settling down may be developing the confidence and trust that whenever the circumstances change and are no longer working out, you have all the expertise that could possibly be needed to pick up and relocate to another place that suits you better.
You’ve got this!