Dear EKC: Should I Worry That My Kid Likes Spending Time Alone?

Dear EKC, 

My son’s 11 and lately I’ve been wondering about how much time he likes spending by himself. He has friends at school and nobody’s raised any concerns, but if you give him the choice between going to someone’s house or staying home and building Lego, he’ll pick Lego every time. After school he’ll happily disappear into his room for a couple hours. Honestly, he seems perfectly content but my wife and I are both really social people so we don’t know at what point (or if, at all) we should be worried. 

A little context: we’re an expat family and I know moving countries changes things socially. Making friends takes time and it can be hard when you’re in a completely new environment. I worry that maybe he’s telling himself he likes being alone because it’s easier than putting himself out there. At the same time, I don’t want to send the message that spending time by yourself is somehow a bad thing. It’s actually something I really admire about him. 

I don’t really know how to balance it, is the thing. I want to encourage him to invite people over or join an activity but I don’t want to make him feel like he’s not being social enough. I don’t want him to doubt himself, or make a weird problem out of something that’s actually fine and healthy. 

How can I tell the difference between if he’s genuinely happy doing things by himself, or if he’s lonely? How do I support him without pushing him into things he doesn’t actually want? 

—Watching and Wondering

Dear Watching, 

This is such a thoughtful question and I think a lot of parents ask themselves the same thing. The first thing I want to bring up is the fact that it sounds like you’re already doing a good job separating “being alone” from “feeling lonely.” They’re absolutely two different things. 

Being alone is a physical sensation: your child’s just by himself. Loneliness, on the other hand, is an emotional experience. It’s linked with feeling upset, isolated, disconnected, or like you don’t belong. It can also be connected to self-esteem and the way children think about themselves and their relationships with other people. 

A kid sitting and reading (or playing Lego) in their room isn’t automatically lonely—I certainly wasn’t! It can just be a way to enjoy a little quiet time after a busy school day. It’s calm, and their room is a safe space filled with things they enjoy. A bedroom’s a place we can always retreat to and it sounds like you’ve made his a perfect respite from the hustle and bustle of daily life.

There are a lot of positives that come from children learning to enjoy their own company. Spending time alone gives kids the chance to figure out what they genuinely enjoy, away from the influence of classmates and friendship groups. This is especially true during preteen and early teen years, when fitting in can feel more like a full-time job than something that comes naturally. 

Time alone can also help build a sense of independence and self-awareness. Having space to think, create, rest, and figure out what they’re really interested in are wonderful skills to carry into adulthood.

It’s natural that parents want to know that their child’s building friendships and feeling connected. But this is where things can get a little tricky: if you’re worrying that your kid’s not spending “enough” time with other kids, what does “enough” actually mean? How do you quantify “enough?” 

Every child has a different social battery. Rather than counting playdates or after school activities, it can be more helpful to check in with your son about how things are going, socially—not in an interview sort of way, but with questions that leave a lot of open space for answers. Try questions like:  “Did you sit with anyone cool at lunch today?” or “Have you heard any funny jokes this week?” Neither of these suggests that he SHOULD be sitting or spending time with people, but they’ll give you a little gauge of how things might be going socially. 

There is, of course, the flipside to that: what if he’s not sitting with anyone at lunch or talking with people? That’s where having a proper sit down conversation can be helpful: asking more straightforwardly how things are going. Listening to your son is the best tool you have. If he shares that something feels hard, whether that’s joining conversations or asking someone to play or speaking up in class, try treating it as something the two of you can think about together instead of something that needs immediate fixing. 

For children who are naturally shy or anxious, we often suggest finding one social skill they’d like to feel more comfortable with, then practicing it together in tiny steps. Maybe speaking to a shop assistant makes them feel anxious. You could make a game of ordering an ice cream together one weekend, then work up to asking for help in a bookstore another day. The goal is to help them build confidence gradually, with their agreement and involvement every step of the way. 

Stay curious! Listen to what he’s telling you, both through his words and his behavior. Stay open to conversations, even if they don’t happen right away. Let him know that you’re available whenever he’d like to talk and that you like him and enjoy spending time with him exactly as he is, with no need to change. 

Some kids just genuinely like spending time on their own. Others want more connection but aren’t sure how to find it. The only way to know which is true for your child is to keep the conversation going and support him in feeling comfortable being himself. 

Warmly, 

Karolina Dąbrowska

EKC Psychologist