Dear EKC: Is My Kid’s Summer Screentime Trash or Tool?

Dear EKC,

This summer has been full of a task I did NOT know I was signing up for when I became a parent: Screen Police. Don’t love it. Every day, I find myself telling my kid “no” over and over when he asks for the ipad. He asks, I tell him he’s had his screen time for the day, he tells me it’s “educational,” I find that dubious, it’s 50/50 if he gets the screen or not. We both hate this little ritual but I feel like a bad parent if I forgo it. 

We’re also expats and it feels like it’s not as easy as saying yes or no. My kids FaceTime their grandparents every weekend. I let them watch shows in our native language because I don’t want them to lose it. We watch a lot of things as a family, like travel shows about places we’ve lived. Everyone gets so excited, pointing out landmarks and familiar accents. It feels like part of what binds us as a family, remembering where we’ve been. But it also feels like everything’s on a screen and it all happened so fast, that screens became such a huge part of our lives. It was never like this when I was growing up. 

It’s frustrating that these are the same screens where one hour becomes four and the iPad comes out “just for twenty minutes” that end up stretching into an entire afternoon. It kills the vibe in our home—the kids say they were “relaxing” but everyone seems a little tense. I’ve noticed that my patience is shorter on those days too. No one’s done anything wrong, exactly, but we’re not “refreshed” either, and that’s the part I can’t figure out: what could be more “relaxing” than hanging out on the couch? 

I’ve started feeling kind of the same way about it as I feel about food, like not everything is equal. A video call with my mom doesn’t feel like junk, you know? Watching a documentary about space together doesn’t seem like the same thing as the constant mindless scrolling, the videos that all blur together. And another layer is that it can be helpful, absolutely, to—just let them have screen time sometimes, especially on those summer days when everyone’s a little overstimulated and no one’s had a break from each other and I need a second to breathe. 

Every article I read seems to have a different answer: screens are terrible, educational content is fine, moderation is the answer. What do we do, realistically? How do we balance the junk with the good stuff? Am I just overthinking this? 

—Constantly Negotiating

Dear Negotiating, 

Oh man, we’ve been hearing this one a lot lately. So many parents are in the same boat! And yes, there are SO many mixed messages these days. 

Sometimes I miss how easy it used to feel! I remember watching a ton of TV all summer—frankly more than I should have—and I think I turned out fine (give or take an encyclopedic knowledge of Inspector Gadget). But that doesn’t mean I want the same kind of childhood for my kids. It sounds like you’re right there too. 

I definitely feel the pressure around screens and I can’t honestly say that I always get it right. What I come back to, both personally and professionally, is that screen time isn’t just one thing, as you mentioned. It helps to stop thinking of it as either “good” or “bad” and instead ask what role it’s playing in your family’s life. 

One of the biggest things I’d recommend is keeping a routine. Kids generally do better when they know what to expect, and screen time is no different. If you’ve decided what the boundaries are, try to stick with them. They don’t have to be perfect, but they should be fairly predictable. It doesn’t take long for children to notice when the rules change depending on everyone’s energy level and that’s how every request becomes a negotiation. 

It’s also worth looking at the recommended screen time guidelines for your child’s age while remembering that no two kids are the same. Some genuinely need more of that downtime than others after school or during holidays. One child might happily recharge after 20 minutes with a quiet program while another feels better after riding a bike or sitting outside with a book. The recommendations are a useful starting point, but you know your kids better than anyone else. 

Something I spend a lot of time talking about with families is the difference between active and passive relaxation. Relaxation is so important, especially during busy school terms, holidays, and long summer breaks when everyone needs a chance to reset. The interesting question isn’t just whether your child’s relaxing, but what actually helps them feel rested afterward. Sometimes that’s curling up on the sofa with a comfort show; sometimes that’s baking, drawing, reading, building Lego, listening to music, or running around outside. Helping children notice that difference is a wonderful life skill because they’ll continue making those choices long after they’ve left home. 

Not every screen experience offers the same thing. If we’re choosing, I’d much rather see lower-stimulation educational programs than highly stimulating content designed to keep kids scrolling. For TCKs, screens can also be something rich and layered in context: they do keep languages alive, as you mentioned, and connect them with places and cultures that are part of their identity. They’re also a really useful tool to help them stay close to family members who live far away. They can even support language development, social learning, and kids with developmental delays. 

It gets a little more complicated when we’re talking about handheld devices: phones, tablets. That’s why I usually encourage parents to think more carefully about personal devices and the limits that come with them. Limits are important! When you’re a kid, your prefrontal cortex is still developing—so they’re literally not ready to manage unlimited screen time independently. It’s not about a lack of willpower or motivation, it’s that their brains are still learning the skills needed for planning ahead, controlling impulses, and deciding when enough really is enough. Adults help carry that responsibility until those skills develop. 

I also think a lot about the fact that many children already spend hours every day looking at screens through school and homework. It’s easy to forget that recreational screen time isn’t happening on its own anymore. It’s being added to a school day that’s already much more digital than any of us experienced growing up. It’s something to keep in mind when making limits for your kids in regards to their recreational hours and how they spend them. 

The goal isn’t to decide whether screens are “good” or “bad.” Instead, we’re asking a slightly different question: “what’s this screen giving my child right now?” If the answer is connection, learning, comfort, or genuine rest, that’s very different from mindless scrolling. As long as you’re noticing what’s in front of you and setting thoughtful limits, you’re a parent who’s paying attention—and that’s what’s important. 

Wishing you a happy rest of your summer!

Kate Berger

EKC Psychologist