Dear EKC: How Do I Handle Changes to My Routine?
Dear EKC,
I know routines are supposed to be a good thing, but sometimes I think I rely on them too much. I’m 16 and I just like knowing what my day’s going to look like. I like getting up at the same time and doing everything in the same order so I know what to expect. I like things going to plan—it makes me feel calm and productive. The problem with that is that when life happens, I don’t really know how to cope with it.
It’s little things like a change in plans, we were only going to the movie theater and now we’re getting lunch before. Sometimes I get sick or tired and I can’t keep up with everything I planned to do. I feel totally thrown off when this happens, frustrated and irritated, and I try not to show it because I feel like I stress everyone else out when I’m stressed. But sometimes I know they can tell.
It’s been affecting my life a lot over the past couple months. Everything at school got busy all of a sudden and it felt like every day had something unexpected. I’ve noticed that I feel most anxious when I’m afraid the changes to my routine are affecting my productivity, and that was definitely the case for a while. When I don’t get as much done as I feel like I should, I feel guilty. I compare myself to how I’ve been in the past, how productive I’ve been, and I feel bad that I can’t be like that all the time.
I know change is a part of life and I’m an expat, I get change better than most I’d think. I’ve adjusted to new schools in new countries and made friends there; I’ve done all of that since I was a kid. Life’s pretty stable right now because my dad got a good job so we’re staying in the Netherlands for a while. I guess my question is, I’ve been through so much big change in my life and it’s been fine, so why do the small everyday changes throw me off so much? How do I get better at handling changes to my routine without being so overwhelmed all the time?
—Stuck in the Schedule
—Dear Schedule,
I’m so glad you wrote in. With the start of summer, this is something we hear a lot. Routines can help us feel grounded and organized. They make life feel comfortable and safe and predictable in a world that can often feel uncertain. Because of that, it’s completely natural to have a difficult time moving away from that feeling. The good news is that flexibility is a skill, and like any skill, it can be practiced.
One thing you can start trying is taking small, measured steps instead of forcing yourself to accept the “bigger change” all at once. When you hear that something’s going to be different than expected, take a breath. Think of the actions you’ll take to accommodate the change: make a new plan, if you will, to incorporate it. Every time you do this, you’re showing yourself that you can manage change and it doesn’t have to be a highly stressful event.
You can even start practicing flexibility on purpose! Try building it into your routine itself. Choose one small thing to change each day to give yourself the opportunity to feel more comfortable with variation over time. This can help you see variability as part of the routine, rather than as something that interrupts it.
For example, say you always take the same route to school. One day, change a small part of it. Take a different street, enter through a different gate, or stop somewhere new along the way. The key is to choose areas of your life where change feels less intimidating: small, safe experiments that help teach your brain that not every change is a threat.
Unfortunately, changes sometimes arrive all at once and blow up our routines from the outside in. Moves or family situations can happen without warning. In those moments, it can help to reach for the tools that bring you back to yourself. Focus on what helps you return to baseline: breathing, mediation, journaling, watching a comfort show or movie, reading a book. Connecting with the present moment and finding a sense of safety within yourself can help bring some familiarity and stability to the unfamiliar and unstable.
Support from others can be incredibly helpful during these times. Talk to family members, friends, or professionals to help you feel seen and understood. If the anxiety about change is taking over your life in ways that cause disruption, it might be time to consider an assessment with your therapist. We’re here to help you figure out what’s happening and see what we can do to make things feel easier, bit by bit.
It sounds like a lot of the stress you’re feeling comes from productivity and this worry is something a therapist can definitely help you better understand. It’s something a lot of teens and adults bring up, especially during the summer when school’s out and vacations are disrupting schedules. The thing is, you’re not always going to be productive and you don’t have to be. Connecting with yourself and standing still for a bit can be a healthy break.
There will be times when you’re energetic and focused and times when you’re stressed or tired or distracted or just needing rest. Not feeling well or having a lot going on in your life are valid reasons to listen to your body and take that break. Part of growing is learning to accept those changes instead of fighting them. It’s often easier to accept that the people we love will have ups and downs—try extending the grace you give to others to yourself, too.
There’s something beautiful about learning to be flexible. It’s one of the most helpful skills we can carry through life, to move away from fixed ideas about how things “have to be” and create room for positive surprises and opportunities. The goal isn’t to stop loving routines—routines can be wonderful! But you can start learning to trust yourself, too, that you’re resilient enough to adapt alongside those unexpected changes. Asking for help and giving yourself some space for flexibility is a great start.
Wishing you all the best,
Maayan Cohen
Ad Hoc EKC Therapist