EKC Roundtable: Social Pressures, Expectations, and Identity
For many Third Culture Kids (TCKs), the concept of “identity” is complicated. Who are you meant to be when you move between countries, cultures, schools, and social groups? Because of these moves, TCKs often become skilled at adapting to new environments and learning to fit in wherever they go. While this adaptability can be a tremendous strength, it can also raise difficult questions about authenticity and belonging.
Over time, it can become challenging to separate who you truly are from who you feel expected to be. Different parts of your personality might emerge in different settings, leaving you wondering which version is the “real you.” The pressure to fit in while meeting differing expectations from family, friends, and society can make identity feel unstable and confusing.
This week’s EKC Roundtable is all about how social pressure shapes identity and why TCKs often feel pulled between different versions of themselves. How can we create a stronger sense of self, even when life feels uncertain?
The Pressure to Fit an Image
Kate opened the discussion by talking about how many TCKs worry about how they will be perceived by others. When environments change frequently, there’s often a strong desire to find an image or group or label to attach to. And this makes sense: we all naturally want some stability in how we see ourselves. For TCKs, that can be tough when friendships, schools, languages, and cultural expectations change as they move around the world.
A teen who feels confident in one country might arrive somewhere new and suddenly feel those old insecurities coming back. They might start asking themselves, consciously or subconsciously, how they should act and what kind of person people expect them to be. Where do they fit in this new landscape?
The pressure to answer those questions can make identity feel less like personal expression and more like a box you have to fill exactly right.
Why Is Identity So Complicated?
When it comes to the complexity of identity as a concept, Adam reminds us that identity serves two purposes at the same time. On one hand, people want connection. We want to belong, to be accepted and feel like we’re part of a group. On the other, people also crave individuality, uniqueness. We want to feel different from everyone else and express what makes us special. These two goals can sometimes pull in opposite directions.
Identity is also harder to build than many people realize. We often feel like we instinctively know what identity is, but when we stop and think about it, it becomes surprisingly difficult to define.
One way to think about identity is as a sense of consistency and continuity within ourselves. Having an identity helps us feel like the same person over time, even when circumstances change. This can become especially challenging during adolescence, when teens and preteens experience physical and emotional changes that echo throughout their lives.
Growth, changing friendships, family expectations, and school pressures all happen at once and it can feel like life will never be stable again. For TCKs, cultural transitions can add another layer on top of it all. It’s understandable that so many of us feel uncertain about who we are during this period—but that doesn’t make it easier.
Life Between the Boxes
At this point in our roundtable, Inka brought up something that many TCKs experience: the feeling that different parts of life require different versions of yourself. The expectations at home might not match the expectations at school, or out in the community.
Maybe one culture values independence while another places great importance on family responsibility. Or one environment encourages standing out while another rewards blending in. When teens move between these spaces, they can feel pressure to switch roles depending on where they are. This creates an uncomfortable question: how are we supposed to have one coherent identity that fits both boxes?
The answer may just be that we don’t need that at all. Inka reminds us that it’s okay to spend time figuring out which pieces of different cultures and environments fit you best. Identity isn’t something that must be completed immediately; it develops gradually as we learn more about ourselves.
Trying On Different Hats
Jamie described the period between middle and high school as a prime time of moving between those boxes. For many people, it’s one of the strongest periods of experimentation in our lives: what do we like? What interests us? Where do we fit into the group? Teens try out different hobbies, styles, ways of expressing themselves, and even friend groups. They put on different hats and see what feels right.
From the outside, this can sometimes look inconsistent (and, for some parents with a kid who seems to change personalities every week, alarming). In reality, it’s often just a healthy part of development and self-exploration.
A student might be athletic for one season, into painting the next, and begging for guitar lessons after that. Another may move between social groups while figuring out where they feel most comfortable. Rather than viewing this as confusion, Jamie encourages us to view it as a positive experience. This stage of life is specifically designed for testing possibilities and learning about different parts of who we are. Not everyone will fit neatly into a category and that’s okay.
The Importance of Grounding Yourself
While identity continues to grow over time, Christina discussed the value of having stable anchors to keep us grounded. Rituals, hobbies, traditions, and familiar activities can provide continuity when other parts of life feel uncertain.
There’s no “wrong way” to anchor yourself. You’re just looking for touchstones that make you feel like yourself, even when everything else is up in the air. This might look like:
Family traditions
Creative hobbies
Sports or physical activities
Music
Journaling
Cultural and religious practices
Favorite books or routines
They don’t have to be elaborate; they just have to be yours. When everything’s changing around you, these familiar activities can provide a stronger sense of stability, a sense of self. For many TCKs, these practices become reminders of who they are, regardless of where they live.
Looking Inside Versus Outside
Inka also shared one specific grounding exercise that can help teens think about identity differently:
Try drawing the outline of a head and body. Then write different characteristics, values, interests, and qualities either inside or outside the figure. Inside, write the things that feel internally driven, the qualities that genuinely feel like a part of who you are. Outside, write things that feel connected to outside expectations, social pressure, labels, or assumptions from other people.
This activity can start helpful conversations about where different parts of identity come from. It can also be used as a journaling prompt to start a conversation with yourself. Sometimes, we realize that a quality we care deeply about has been shaped by outside expectations. Other times, we recognize that something important to us comes from within and deserves more attention.
It can also help us to notice when we’re spending a lot of energy trying to satisfy other people’s ideas about who we should be.
It’s Okay To Keep Some Parts For Yourself
One important thread kept coming up throughout the discussion: you get to decide what others see.
Many people want parts of their inner identity to be acknowledged by others. We want people to recognize our values and interests, our strengths and experiences. That desire is completely normal! At the same time, not every part of identity needs to be shared publicly. Some interests, beliefs, and personal qualities can stay private if we choose. They don’t become less meaningful just because others don’t see them.
Part of developing a healthy identity is deciding what we want to share and what we want to keep for ourselves. Both choices are valid. Identity isn’t a test with one correct answer and it’s normal to feel pulled between different groups, to experiment with different versions of yourself. It’s normal to carry parts of several cultures and communities at the same time, all the experiences that have shaped you.
The goal is to gradually build a sense of self that feels authentic to you, even when the world keeps changing.
Navigating a Change? EKC is Here to Help.
Expat Kids Club isn’t just for people who live abroad – it’s for anyone who identifies as a current or former expat and needs support, anywhere in the world. We also offer video consults and appointments so our clients can build a stable, trusting relationship with their therapist, no matter where life takes them.
We specialize in helping people navigate new experiences and situations from the universal to the unique. Our mission is to help kids, teens, and families build resiliency, discover their identities and values, and form healthy coping strategies to manage the tough moments.
EKC recognizes the importance of treating the family as a unit, bringing everyone together. We work with an individual approach and a systemic mindset to determine the best through any challenge.
Schedule a call today to speak with one of our therapists and see how we can help your family thrive.