Let’s Talk About Popularity
Oh man. As a parent, few things pull us all the way back into our own childhoods quite as quickly as hearing our kid say “I’m not popular.” It’s such a hard, visceral feeling, remembering that kind of universal uncertainty that comes with growing up. And what do you say to help them know that they’re heard, that their feelings are valid, and that at the same time—it’s not going to feel like that forever?
For many kids, popularity can feel confusing in ways adults sometimes (blissfully) forget. One week it feels like your friend group’s stable; the next everyone’s stopped talking to one kid and the sleepover’s cancelled. Their peers change dramatically for reasons they don’t understand: someone who seemed like a friend yesterday is suddenly cold today. The kid who sat next to them in science for months chose to sit at a different table for no discernable reason. These changes can feel random and painful.
Parents can find that there’s another challenge in all of this: separating our child’s experience from our own memories. Sometimes those old feelings creep up and take center stage without us even noticing. The memory of being left out and wanting to fit in, worrying about whether people liked us—these are so human and they don’t always stop after our teens. It can be hard to tell where our child’s experience ends and ours begins.
In this installation of our Let’s Talk About… series, we’re talking popularity. What exactly is it and why does it seem to carry so much weight? And how do we help our kids (and ourselves) through the tough times?
What is Popularity?
Parents often mistake “popularity” as “being well-liked by everyone,” but kids tend to define it differently: sometimes, popularity means having social status. Sometimes it just means feeling included, always having a seat at the table. Sometimes it’s about having a lot of friends, the quantity of friends over how “close” they actually are.
In scientific terms, research finds two different types of social status: likeability and popularity. Popularity is separate from likeability. “Likeabililty” describes well-liked kids who are seen as “fun and kind.” “Popularity” is defined as teens who hold social power, kids who are visible. Popular kids can be either “prosocial” (kind and likeable), or “antisocial:” kids who hold their power through bullying tactics, and are often disliked or feared by others.
It’s hard to tie up the concept in a neat little bow. The word holds so much power. What’s important to your child? How do we move our kids towards striving for likeability (having friends and being kind), and away from popularity, which can be connected to antisocial behavior?
Why is Popularity so Universal?
The people around us become mirrors that help us answer the most vital questions of identity: who am I? Where do I fit? There’s a reason that during adolescence this tends to come up: kids are pulling away from their parents and into more of an independent life, seeking new comfort and belonging in their peer group. Peer acceptance and social reciprocity become highly important.
The adolescent brain even becomes physiologically more sensitive to rejection. From an evolutionary perspective, staying connected to the group increases chances of survival. Our brains still carry some of that wiring from the cave days, where straying from the community could mean danger.
We’re biologically, evolutionarily adapted to believe that popularity is important, and to seek it in our own ways. “Caring what people think” is about so much more than allowing an overly critical peer to “judge us—” it’s about keeping everyone in the group comfortable and thus perpetuating the group’s stability and our place in it.
When your daughter comes home in tears because she didn’t have anyone to sit with at lunch, she’s not “being dramatic.” There are hundreds of thousands of years of human development behind her, telling her that this experience is enormous.
So what do you do to help her?
What If My Child Is Worried About Popularity?
Many kids quietly feel that popularity is the same thing as worth. They might think that if they’re not part of the “right” group or surrounded by friends all the time, something’s wrong with them. The thing is, popularity and connection aren’t the same thing. The goal is to quietly shift the conversation to the latter, without minimizing their feelings or experiences.
Some children have large social circles and still feel lonely. Others have one or two close friendships and feel deeply connected. Some move between groups comfortably and some need more time to find people who feel like a good fit.
For expat and third culture kids, there’s often another layer added to this: the transitions they’re going through, the new schools and countries and languages. Friendships can end because someone moved away rather than because anything went wrong. Repeated goodbyes can make kids wonder whether relationships are temporary or uncertain. They might be extra aware of who’s included and who isn’t.
When a child worries they’re “not popular,” it’s often more like shorthand for a bigger feeling:
I want to belong.
I want more people to choose me.
I’m worried I’m different.
I’m scared I’ll end up alone.
Parents who hear and acknowledge the fear under the words can bring the conversation to a softer, more helpful place.
What A Parent Can Do
There’s a kind of tricky balance here: parents aren’t meant to solve every social problem. Kids need opportunities to build their own social confidence and learn from relationships over time. At the same time, children shouldn’t feel alone while figuring it out.
Part of being a parent is becoming an advocate if a child is struggling with something they’re not able to manage themselves. There are absolutely times when you should step in: if the situation has escalated from a concern about not being popular, to being on the receiving end of bullying, then document everything and contact the school for additional steps.
But there are a lot of situations where you can support your child at home instead, helping them to build confidence from the inside out. Always being open to conversation is key: if your child feels like they can come to you with a problem and be met with a listening ear instead of a judgmental voice, it’s easier to gauge where they’re at. The groundwork for supporting your child through difficult social situations begins by balancing limits and expectations with encouragement and support.
Confidence that relies entirely on social approval tends to feel shaky. Confidence connected to a child’s own strengths, interests, kindness, humor, creativity, and persistence tend to be more powerful. Building confidence at home gives a good foundation for a sense of identity that stays with them through the school day, too.
You can also help your kids gain perspective and acceptance by helping slow down their thoughts and widening the view. Children sometimes move quickly towards catastrophic thinking: “nobody likes me,” “I’ll never have friends,” “everyone hates me.” Big feelings can make a temporary situation feel permanent.
It might help to open the conversation a little: “It sounds like today was a really hard day. Sometimes when I have a hard day, things feel extra big.” “It hurts so much to feel like everyone’s against you. I know that feeling. But whenever I’ve felt that way, I’ve also always been able to find at least one person who’s been kind. Maybe we can do that for you too?”
The feeling is real and we don’t want to dismiss it. We just want to help our kids hold onto perspective while they’re going through it and remind them that they’re not alone: we’re there as a safe place for them to land.
Growing Through Relationships
Friendships in childhood and adolescence are such a mix of joy, confusion, excitement, pain, and unpredictability. Kids are learning about themselves while also trying to understand other people who are learning about themselves too. That’s so much work, especially without the frame of reference of adulthood, the healing decades that have taught us how to figure out what we find important.
Popularity is a word that holds power and is often treated as some kind of finish line, but maybe our kids would be happier with another word, like “belonging” instead. Belonging isn’t as flashy and it’s not always one that a kid’s going to like, but it’s where we, as parents, can guide the conversation instead. It’s more attainable and arguably more satisfying: laughing with a friend, being accepted for who they are, feeling like they can be themselves, having the confidence to try something new.
For parents, there might be moments where those old memories come up. But your child’s story is still being written, and your role isn’t to rewrite it with our own experiences. Sometimes it’s just to stand beside them, remind them who they are, and help them see that the hard moments are only one part of a much larger picture.
Navigating a Change? EKC is Here to Help.
Expat Kids Club isn’t just for people who live abroad-–it’s for anyone who identifies as a current or former expat and needs support, anywhere in the world. We also offer video consults and appointments so our clients can build a stable, trusting relationship with their therapist, no matter where life takes them
We specialize in helping people navigate new experiences and situations from the universal to the unique. Our mission is to help kids, teens, and families build resiliency, discover their identities and values, and form healthy coping strategies to manage the tough moments.
EKC recognizes the importance of treating the family as a unit, bringing everyone together. We work with an individual approach and a systemic mindset to determine the best through any challenge.
Schedule a call today to speak with one of our therapists and see how we can help your family thrive.