Dear EKC: My Kid's Having a Hard Time Adjusting to the Move

Dear EKC, 

We moved to Singapore last summer for my partner’s job and on paper, it looked like a great idea. Things seemed like they’d be exciting for my daughter. She’s 13, bright, funny, creative, and she’s always been the kind of kid who walks into a room and leaves with three new friends. Back home, she had a solid group from elementary school through now, always sleeping over and sending endless voice notes when they were apart. 

But I’m second-guessing everything, and it’s kind of too late—we’re already here. She’s been coming home from school exhausted and sad. She says that everyone already has their groups. She tells me she feels like she doesn’t know how to “act right,” and that everyone’s different here. She says people are being nice to her but it’s like being nice to the new girl, not because they actually want to be her friend. 

They speak English in school, and we speak English at home, but she says it’s different somehow. The other kids use jokes she doesn’t understand and the way they talk isn’t like “our” English. She told me the other day that she feels “stupid at making friends” and it honestly broke my heart a little because I know how confident she used to be. 

At home she’s always online with her friends from back home. I’m kind of torn on this—I’m glad she still has them, but I’m worried she won’t be able to settle in here if she’s always on her phone instead of getting out there. I don’t want to push her too hard right now though. I know she’s having a hard time. 

I think I vastly underestimated how hard this move would be for her. I thought kids adapted faster than adults but I don’t think that’s the case anymore. How can I help her through this? 

—Worried Watching In 

—Dear Watching, 

I’m really glad you wrote in because what your daughter’s going through is so, so common for expat kids and TCKs, even the really social ones. Sometimes especially the social ones, because they know what making and having friends used to feel like, and how it’s different after a move. 

I have two main thoughts. The first is about managing the transition within the relocation, and the grief that comes with it. You’re right, it’s very difficult to try and “get out there” and make new friends, and it’s because your daughter’s likely still grieving the way her friendships have changed because of the move. She’s not with them in person anymore and it takes a toll, even if they still have each other online. Now’s just a time to make space for her, and pay attention to that grief. Give her time to try to find her own way with it. 

A lot of parents feel pressure during a move to help their child “settle in” quickly, but adjustment rarely works on a tidy timeline. There’s often a period where kids are carrying two worlds at once: the one they miss and the one they’re still trying to understand. That can be emotionally exhausting. 

It makes sense that she’s trying to maintain the connection to her old friends by being online quite a lot right now. It also makes sense that you’re worried that the time she’s spending online or on her phone is stopping her from making new friends. They can exist at the same time and they’re both valid. Right now, it’s important to view everything through the lens of “this is a transition and it requires a lot of adjustment.” Making new friends is tough and if we’re not in the best place with our well-being, it isn’t easy. It might take her some time to step out of her comfort zone, and that’s okay. 

My second thought relates to culture and language. Kids who are socialized in a single cultural context can easily move through all the stages of gaining the social competencies that are desirable in that context. Simply put, they’re growing up with their peers and finding a common language, a common culture. For TCKs, this process is disrupted (sometimes many times!). They grow up to a certain age in one culture and gain those skills, then they’re thrown into another one and have to readjust. They might find that they’re not at the same level of social or cultural competence in the new country because they haven’t grown up with those values or norms. They have to learn them at a later stage and adapt as they go. 

There isn’t the same learning space that would normally happen. They’re thrown into the deep end. There are a ton of gaps—understandable gaps, but gaps nonetheless. 

I think that parents sometimes look at this and think their kid’s suddenly become shy, or withdrawn, awkward, less socially capable. Usually that’s not what’s happening. More often, the child’s trying to really quickly decode a social system that everyone else around them has learned slowly over years. The kids in your daughter’s class might not even realize how much invisible cultural knowledge they’re pulling from every day—why would they? They’re not in a position where they have to question it. 

Language goes hand in hand with this because even though a child might be learning the new language, or even speak it already, it’s really different to be confronted with the need to speak it the way their peers speak it. Slang and fitting in linguistically can be tough when you’re just starting out. That can create low-level anxiety in social situations, all on its own. When kids are busy translating, reading reactions, wondering if they used the right phrase or if they sounded “weird,” it can be hard to relax into a friendship. 

But I do have some ways to help while you’re giving your daughter time and space to adjust to the move. You can remind her that what she’s doing is hard. What she’s going through is hard, and the fact that it’s hard doesn’t mean anything’s “wrong” with her. She’s learning a whole new world while still carrying homesickness and grief, as well as that pressure of wanting to belong. That’s a lot for anyone! And it’s what happens after a move. She’s not alone. 

You don’t necessarily have to fix this for her. Often, the most supportive thing you can do is just notice it and name it, talk about what’s happening IF she asks you to, and stay emotionally available while she adjusts—slowly. Small connections usually come before big ones. There will be one classmate she feels comfortable with, someone to sit with at lunch. One club that feels not-so-intimidating, maybe something she enjoyed back in your old home that she can carry with her here, too. She’s going to be okay, it just might take some time to get there. 

Over time, many TCKs do build those skills again. They often become incredibly socially aware people, because they’ve had to learn how to read different environments and fit into new places. While they’re in the middle of it, it can feel lonely and disorienting. But your daughter doesn’t sound socially incapable to me—she sounds like a kid in transition with a great parent who wants to help her through it. And if either of you need any help, we’re just an email away.

Warmly, 

Karolina Dąbrowska

EKC Psychologist