Dear EKC: Is It Normal To Be So Anxious Around People?

Dear EKC, 

Ugh. It’s been so hard lately that I thought I’d bite the bullet and write in. I feel like I’m constantly overthinking when I’m around people. Even when I’m sitting with a group doing something normal like having lunch or just being in class or even at a party, there’s this constant tension. People are talking, laughing with each other, and it’s like I suddenly forget how to be a person. I’m just sitting there like some kind of mindless automaton while everyone else makes friends. It looks like it’s so easy for everyone else! 

Anyway so I sit there being quiet and worrying that everyone’s noticing that I’m being quiet and that I’m the weird quiet girl, again. Always. It’s not that I don’t want to be there—I actually really look forward to things and I so, so appreciate how hard my friends try to include me. I just feel like I suck, when the time actually comes. It gets hard to breathe and I just wish it were over, or at least that I could get through without embarrassing myself. 

Sometimes I leave early and feel bad about it. Sometimes I cancel altogether and feel even worse. And sometimes I force myself to stay but I feel like everyone can tell that I’m forcing it, and then I feel exhausted afterwards. 

My mom says this is “just part of growing up,” but it feels like I’m the only one who feels like this. Is it normal to be this anxious around people? 

–Overthinking Everything

Dear Everything, 

First things first: feeling a little anxious in social situations is to be expected. From an evolutionary perspective, it’s the brain’s way of keeping you on your toes so you can predict danger and respond quickly. Social anxiety also keeps you alert so you notice how the group you’re in functions. Being able to see those small signs of rejection helps you know when you should reach out to solve conflicts and adapt. But from a teen perspective, it can be a pain. I’m sorry this is what’s landing on your plate right now. 

The fact that it’s bothering you enough to write in says to me that you’re probably feeling anxious quite often, or that the anxiety feels quite big. When being around people feels really intense or starts limiting your life, it’s sometimes called social anxiety disorder. Anxiety can also be related to feeling overwhelmed by things like sensory load: all the verbal and non-verbal information that comes at us in the world. All of this can be overwhelming.

I have good news for you though: by learning more about your anxiety, you can figure out how to work with it. You can find out what kinds of social situations you might enjoy (even if anxiety shows up) and when it might be helpful to take time being alone or make small adjustments that make these social situations a little easier. This could be something as easy as wearing earplugs, or hanging out one-on-one instead of in a group. By learning about this we can move the important question from “is it normal to feel anxious?” to “what does your anxiety feel like, and what can you do to cope with it?” 

So let’s break this down a little: what does your anxiety feel like? Which situations feel more comfortable for you and which feel harder? Do those situations have anything in common? How are they different? Are there any situations that are really important to you where anxiety is getting in the way, but still feel worth going through? 

What does your anxiety feel like in your mind and body? Sometimes you can feel it in your head in a more abstract way, like a spiral of thoughts. Anxiety can also show up in your body in concrete, physical ways: feeling dizzy, having a stomach ache, panic attacks, trouble breathing. 

When you notice yourself feeling anxious, try to take a step back and really think about where you’re feeling it. This, in itself, can be a way to help you feel a little calmer. Not only does being curious about our anxiety offer acknowledgement and validation for what’s going on, it also (according to science!) helps our body calm down in noticeable ways. 

Finally, how do you want to respond to your anxiety? What would be most helpful and compassionate? There is often a tendency to avoid situations that make us feel anxious but it can be useful to consider how sometimes the more we avoid it, the more it will grow. If our brain never gets a chance to feel anxious, it doesn’t get the chance to notice it wasn’t the end of the world and you can actually handle it. 

Sometimes considering how to cope with anxiety is just like building muscles at the gym: you have to slowly and gradually build your strength. In this case, that means increasing the tolerance for discomfort. Over time, this can help you start feeling more and more comfortable, even in anxiety-inducing situations. And along the way, it’s always really important to keep your own limits in mind. If we are going beyond what we can handle, not only is that not helpful in the long term (we’re not really learning anything, just knuckling through) but it’s also not kind! 

It’s all about finding the balance and you’ve already acknowledged that you want to keep working through it. And if you need help, we’re just an email away. 

Warmly, 

Inka Homanen

Ad Hoc EKC Psychologist