Dear EKC: Why Do I Feel Like I'm On The Outside Looking In?

Dear EKC, 

I’m having a hard time. I just moved to a new place a couple months ago and I thought I was ready for it. We move all the time for my dad’s job so I know the drill by now, but this time feels different somehow—and also, horribly the same. 

At school, people are nice enough I guess? It’s not like I’m being bullied but I also don’t feel like I’m actually in anything. I see people with their friend groups and I’ve never really had a group like that. I technically have people to sit with but I still feel kind of separate from them. I always feel like a visitor, not like I belong there. 

I feel like this happens everywhere I go: I hope it’s going to be a new start but it’s the same feeling in a different place. I don’t get what I’m doing wrong and I think about it all the time. Maybe I’m too quiet or too awkward or weird or maybe I’m just boring. I try to join conversations but it doesn’t really go anywhere and then I overthink everything I said afterwards. 

I’ve had friends in the past, good friends, and I miss them. It’s just gotten harder in an indefinable way and I don’t know how to get back to that. I miss feeling like I’m a part of things without thinking about it. I feel like I’m trying all the time and even then it doesn’t really work. Even if it’s not on purpose, even if no one actively wants to leave me out, it still hurts to feel that sense of “me” and “them.” 

What do I do with this? 

–-Outside Looking In 

Dear Looking, 

You’re right. Feeling excluded can hurt a lot. I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through that. Even though it’s often a hidden experience, it’s so common to feel this way–especially when you’re in a new environment. TCKs are sometimes even described as people who belong everywhere and nowhere. At EKC, we talk with a lot of kids and teens who feel exactly the same way. You’re not alone. 

People can feel excluded for so many different reasons and it makes sense that it feels hard to pinpoint what’s making you feel that way. Excluding someone on purpose is a type of bullying, and if that were happening, adults would need to step in and help you. But you mentioned that you don’t think that’s the case and that makes sense too. Exclusion often happens a little accidentally, like if someone’s friend recently moved away and they don’t feel ready yet to create a new connection with you. 

It could also be that, as you’ve felt this pain before in previous moves, your brain’s a little more sensitive to any signs of exclusion. It’s trying to protect you, but it can feel pretty bad. It might help to journal or talk to someone you trust about this, so you can figure out what kind of moments or behaviors from others tend to make you feel excluded. What’s your brain telling you in those moments? 

You also touched on something really common: being excluded often makes us think that we’ve done something wrong. Most of the time though, it has nothing to do with you as a person! It might just be a mismatch in the situation, like if you and your classmates have different ways of speaking that make communication a bit harder. It also means that things change when the situation changes—it can get better as you’re more used to things. I know that you’ve probably heard that many times and it doesn’t always feel helpful. It’s more just something to keep in the back of your mind, that things aren’t always going to be like this. 

Feeling excluded can also make grief bigger, and make it extra hard to think of the people and places that used to be a big part of our life. When we feel excluded, we often withdraw to feel safe: our brains go into that Protection Mode and think of ways to escape instead of ways to navigate the situation. It sounds like it’s really important and meaningful to you to connect with others. When you’re feeling like this, try resting a little. Give your brain a second to relax, and then help it take small steps towards connection. 

You can start by being inspired by your own previous experiences. When and where do you tend to feel connected and included? Who are the people you want to stay connected to, even if you don’t live in the same place anymore? Once you have this foundation, you can look for new opportunities. It sounds like you’re already doing your best to connect with this new place, so it’s not about trying “harder” but trying something different. Maybe try to meet your neighbors instead of classmates. Sit next to someone new, go for an activity that seems fun but that you haven’t tried before. 

You can also train your brain a little: go to a cafe to people-watch and come up with all sorts of things you might have in common. Our brains look for information that confirms how we already feel and what we know. Brains aren’t always great at noticing the things that go against this. Try being a detective, looking for small signs that you belong in this place and you’re not alone. This might help your brain feel safer and more ready to keep trying instead of putting you in that cycle of withdrawing when it’s uncomfortable. 

You’re not “on the outside” in the way it feels right now. These are just the early stages of something that hasn’t quite settled yet, an in-between space. Even if you feel lonely now, it won’t last forever—and you don’t have to carry it all by yourself. I’m glad you reached out. 

Warmly, 

Inka Homanen 

Ad Hoc EKC Psychologist