Let’s Talk About Perfection
It’s not just an expat thing, but it’s especially an expat thing: for many expat families in the Netherlands, high standards are a part of everyday life. We change countries and schools, float between unfamiliar cultures and languages, and keep the house and routines running while we do it. It’s not easy and that’s compounded by a pressure we hear about a lot at EKC: the desire to do everything “right.”
It’s not just for adults, either. Kids and teens pick up on the tension and try their best to fit in perfectly, earn top grades, and avoid making mistakes. Expat kids are also often seen as “more mature than their peers,” which adds to the pressure. Parents want their kids to thrive and kids want to make their families proud. But the drive to always “do better” can easily turn into anxiety and burnout.
In this part of our “Let’s Talk About…” series, we’re going to tackle one of the most common themes we see in expat kids and teens counseling: “perfection.” After all, letting go of perfection isn’t about lowering standards; it’s about redefining success in a way that makes space for joy, rest, and genuine growth.
Redefining “Good Enough”
If we can give you anything right off the bat, it’s these words: “Good enough” doesn’t mean settling; it means knowing when something is complete for now.
A useful strategy for both parents and kids is to set boundaries around how much effort to devote to something. For example, “how many tries will I give this task? How long will I work on it before I stop?” Setting realistic limits from the start helps prevent that endless loop of redoing, editing, and overthinking. Remember: “Do your best” doesn’t mean 100% every time. Everyone’s “best” looks different on different days. Sometimes 80% is your best and that still counts.
For a student, this might look like deciding to only do one review after finishing an essay, instead of staying up late reworking details. For parents, it might mean agreeing that “helping with homework” ends after 30 minutes, even if everything isn’t perfect. These small commitments teach balance and trust.
Another practical tool is recognizing your inner critic, that voice that says “not good enough!! Keep going, keep going.” Giving it a name or a character, like “Perfect Pete” or “Bossy Beth” helps kids (and adults) to separate from it. You can even draw it together! When that perfectionist voice shows up, you can say, “Thanks Pete, but we’ve done enough for today.” It’s a playful approach, to be sure, and it helps create a bit of distance. That voice isn’t you, it’s just a thought you can choose to acknowledge and pass by.
When that self-critical chatter quiets down, there’s space for something far more supportive to come through: self-trust. That’s the foundation for lasting confidence, especially for kids adjusting to expat life.
The Hidden Cost of Perfection
Perfectionism can seem harmless. It often comes from a place of care and motivation. The problem is that it always comes at a cost. When you pour all of your time and energy into getting something “right,” something else gets left behind: sleep, rest, family time, or creativity.
Take a 12-year-old kid adjusting to life at an international school in the Netherlands. We know it can be hard, especially when learning the language. But spending hours fixing one essay while missing out on dinner or downtime isn’t the answer. Or maybe you’re a parent who spends so much time double-checking homework that you both end up frustrated. These can feel like daily tasks, but they add up to send an unspoken message: “good isn’t enough.”
Stepping back from this mindset can feel uncomfortable at first. Many expat parents and kids use perfectionism to manage their uncertainty in a new country. But letting go doesn’t mean losing control; it means choosing balance and peace over constant stress. You can still value effort and improvement without needing everything to be flawless.
In our therapy sessions at EKC, we often see growth that clients don’t recognize in themselves. A child who once froze when they made mistakes can now shake them off. A parent who used to micromanage now gives their kids space to figure things out. Progress like this doesn’t always look dramatic, but it’s deeply meaningful.
The Antidote: Celebrating Small Wins
If Perfect Pete’s telling you to focus on flaws, a really great way to counter that voice in your head is to learn to celebrate small wins. This helps us see what’s already working. It’s a mindset shift that’s especially powerful for kids adapting to international school environments, where expectations can be high and comparisons are common.
Here are a couple ways to make celebration a habit at home:
Focus on the effort, not on the outcome: When your kid brings home a test, talk about their strategies or persistence. “I noticed you didn’t give up when it got hard!” or “Did you try that new study method? Great job!” The important thing is to do this regardless of the grade, to support them and focus on a variety of factors whether they aced it the first time or need some more help.
Share your own progress: Model imperfection by saying out loud, “I sent that email I wanted to send, even though I’m not sure about it. I’m glad it’s out. Now I can rest.” Or, “This isn’t what I meant to make for dinner tonight—but I’m glad it’s good! I can try that new recipe again tomorrow.” Little examples like this will help your kids do the same when things don’t go exactly their way.
End every day with gratitude: Ask, “what went right today?” and “what was your favorite part of today?” This helps the brain notice progress, even when things feel messy. As you get in the habit, it’s also a nice way to start noticing little moments of joy throughout your day that you can share later.
Incorporating these practices won’t just boost confidence—you’ll be actively helping your children internalize a healthier definition of success. Over time, they’ll learn that consistency and curiosity matter more than flawless results.
Modeling Imperfection as a Strength
Kids learn best by watching the adults around them. When you make mistakes and handle them with humor and self-kindness, you’re showing your children that imperfection is normal and safe. Didn’t have time to get the groceries? “Oh well, looks like it’s breakfast-for-dinner night!” Burned your pancake? “That’s what syrup’s for.” These moments might seem trivial, but they teach flexibility, creativity, and resilience: all skills that help expat kids thrive.
Not everything’s going to go as planned. You’re going to have weekends that get rained out. There’s going to be a mix-up at school. Every one of these inconveniences, big or small, is an opportunity to learn how to adapt together. This not only helps kids handle disappointment, but also reminds them that progress, flexibility, and grace matter more than perfection.
So the next time your inner critic elbows you to say “you could have done better,” pause and ask: “what am I giving up to make this perfect?” Then, notice what’s already going well. Maybe it’s your child’s growing patience or your ability to stop working on time. Maybe it’s laughter over a burnt dinner instead of frustration. Those small wins are real markers of growth.
In the end, perfection doesn’t build self-worth. It’s progress that does that—and every imperfect step forward is worth celebrating.
Making a change? Let’s do it together.
Expat Kids Club isn’t just for people who live abroad-–it’s for anyone who identifies as a current or former expat and needs support, anywhere in the world. We also offer video consults and appointments so our clients can build a stable, trusting relationship with their therapist, no matter where life takes them.
We specialize in helping people navigate new experiences and situations from the universal to the unique. Our mission is to help kids, teens, and families build resiliency, discover their identities and values, and form healthy coping strategies to manage the tough moments.
EKC recognizes the importance of treating the family as a unit, bringing everyone together. We work with an individual approach and a systemic mindset to determine the best through any challenge.
Schedule a call today to speak with one of our therapists and see how we can help your family thrive.