Dear EKC: Should Growing Up Be This Hard?
Dear EKC,
I’m going through a weird time. I just turned 15 and it feels almost like I’m in-between “selves,” like I’m not the person I used to be but also not the person I want to be yet. I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t even know how I feel about it. Sometimes it feels good, kind of a relief, like I’m getting rid of something that doesn’t fit anymore. Other times, it feels like I’m just tired, like there are too many choices to make and I miss everything being easy.
I guess it’s that I don’t really feel like a kid anymore and I know that’s a good thing—obviously I know that growing up is good—but I also miss it.
There were parts that were so great, a lot of friends (a lot of them I don’t really even talk to now), and everything was easier. I miss having it all laid out for me, not having to constantly make decisions, just going with the flow. But I also feel excited about the future, about what’s coming next because I’m able to make my own decisions. It’s just a lot, all happening at the same time.
My parents say this is just what growing up is like but it feels harder than it should. I don’t know what parts of me I should let go. I don’t want to lose all the things I liked when I was a kid but I don’t know what to be like as an adult yet. Everything’s mixed up.
What do I do?
-Caught In Between
Dear Caught,
I’m really glad you wrote in. Thank you for sharing something so personal. This is also really common, even if people don’t talk about it that much. What you’re describing is something so many expats and third-culture teens face. It can feel confusing, lonely, and even a little disorienting. So I want to start by saying this clearly: having more than one feeling at the same time, even when they’re conflicting, is normal. Not just normal, but expected. It can be uncomfortable but you’re not alone—not by a long shot.
When you grow up, especially while moving between countries, schools, languages, and friend groups, you live with change in a way most people don’t. And change usually doesn’t just bring one emotion with it. It’s more of a mix: guilt for moving ahead, sadness for parts of yourself that no longer fit, excitement for what’s coming, and the relief of stepping into something new. All of these feelings can show up at once. None of them cancel the others out.
It can help to make room for each new feeling. Instead of choosing between “I’m sad this is changing” or “I’m glad this is changing,” you get to say “Both are true.” Talking with people you trust, staying in touch with old friends even as you build new connections, and sharing what’s going on inside of you will make the process less heavy.
You also brought up another good point. Growing often means realizing that some friendships, routines, or versions of yourself no longer match where you’re heading. That can be uncomfortable, and it can hurt. It doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong; it just means you’re changing. It’s like the caterpillar in its cocoon: the shift is uncomfortable but it’s part of becoming bigger than you were before. You’ll still be yourself, you’ll just have changed and expanded.
It’s also completely okay to set boundaries during times like this. You’re allowed to choose who you spend time with and what places and activities feel right for you now. Giving yourself space to be patient and understanding with not only yourself but those around you who might not fully get what you’re going through can make the process a little gentler.
If you’d like something practical to hold onto, you might try writing some things down. A good way to start is to try a 5/5/5 list. Write five things you enjoyed when you were a kid, five things that are important to you right now, and five things about the person you want to become. This will help you sort out your values and see who you are as a whole: the parts carrying over and the parts evolving now. When your actions follow your values and lead you to your future, the tough emotions feel easier to carry. You can still feel sad or uncertain, but those feelings aren’t stopping you from stepping toward what you want next—they’re a part of the process.
When it comes to grief (because yes, growing often includes grief), remember that it doesn’t move in a straight line. There’s no “right” way to feel. There’s no script you have to follow and no deadline for when the sadness should stop and excitement should take over. Your experience is valid exactly as it is.
Your mixed feelings don’t mean you’re stuck; they mean you’re growing. Even if it feels messy or unfamiliar, you’re allowed to grow in the direction that feels right for you. And we’re here for you if you need to talk it out along the way.
Warmly,
Maayan Cohen
Ad Hoc EKC Psychologist