Dear EKC: My Kid Feels Like a Visitor When We Go “Home”

Dear EKC,

It’s the holidays again and the whole family’s headed back to our home country. I’m concerned about my son. Last time we went back, it didn’t go great. My wife and I were excited for him to have “real family time,” like running around with his cousins and everything I used to do when I was a kid. It was years since we were all together the last time. But it wasn’t good. 

My son went all quiet and shy. He wasn’t rude or anything but he wasn’t himself. My parents kept asking why he kept hiding in his room, and when he was around us, he kind of just kept staring blankly. It was like he was an alien visiting Earth for the first time. I’d never seen him like that before. 

At one point he pulled me aside and said “Dad, do I have to hug everyone every time they walk in the room?” And I realized it was like, he didn’t know the rules to being home. It made me so sad. The worst was when I just found him sitting on the floor in the guest room with no toys or books or anything, just looking small on this big carpet. 

Basically, it’s like he’s not a part of the family when he’s there. I kind of get it—we moved when he was really young so he didn’t grow up there. He doesn’t really know his cousins or his grandparents. It was like we took him to a place full of strangers instead of family. 

I don’t want this visit to be like that again for him. I want him to be able to make friends with his cousins and feel like a part of things, not like a visitor, or like it’s a chore. How do I help him feel more like he belongs? 

—Trying My Best

Dear Trying, 

Thank you so much for writing in. You’re putting words to something a lot of expat and third-culture families struggle with but can’t quite put a finger on. What you’re describing is far more common than people realize. First thing to mention: this doesn’t mean anything negative about your son or your family. It’s just that he’s growing up in a different context than the one you grew up in. 

Let’s talk about what might be happening for him. 

When kids see certain relatives, ones they haven’t spent a ton of time with, everything about the visit can feel a little distant or surreal. The people themselves, the routines, the smells of the house, even the rhythm of the day—they’re all outside of what he knows. Kids often feel safest when things are familiar and when that’s suddenly missing, they pull back. 

Another piece that often surprises parents is how different house rules can feel. There’s a whole new set of expectations (like ways to greet people, stricter manners, even specific phrases kids are expected to say), and this can make kids feel watched rather than relaxed. They might not feel free to just “be themselves,” which feeds into the sense of being a guest. There are some places you can just kick off your shoes and lay down on the couch, and some places you feel like you can’t. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just a different feeling from “home.” 

Changes to daily rhythm are also inherently uncomfortable. Kids have certain anchors every day, like mealtimes, bedtimes, and morning routines. When those anchors are suddenly shifted, it’s hard to know what behavior fits the moment. It’s also a matter of autonomy: in another person’s house, kids don’t usually get to have as much choice as they normally do. It’s little things like what to eat, where they can go, or what the day looks like. This uncertainty and lack of their usual independence can make children feel unsettled, even if everyone around them is kind and welcoming. 

There’s also the question of space. Without their own room, toys, or personal belongings, kids can feel like they’re living out of a suitcase in every sense of the word. It reinforces the feeling of things being temporary, even if the visit’s supposed to feel like “coming home.” 

It can also be about shared history: family stories, shared memories, time together in the past. When adults talk about memories from a place your child never lived, it can feel more like a “story” than something he’s actually connected to. This can also be disorienting, like—knowing you’re “supposed” to be a part of something but not actually being included. 

So what can you do? Luckily, you’re already taking the first step: asking for help. You’ve noticed that he had a hard time during your last visit and you want your son to feel comfortable and at “home” when you’re visiting family. You’re doing great. There are also a couple practical things that might make everything easier. 

Have a little talk with him before you go, and check in with him regularly during your trip. Prepare him with some simple information, like who will be there, what the house is like, and what the routine might look like. Let him know ahead of time what kinds of greetings and expectations are common for your family. 

It’s also a good idea to name what’s happening in age-appropriate ways. Acknowledging his feelings helps him understand that nothing’s “wrong” with him. Try saying something like, “It makes sense that you felt out of place. You don’t know this house as well as ours, and that can feel strange.” Talk to him like this both before and during your trip, and after to debrief as well. Knowing that you’re there for him, and that he’s not disappointing you by not immediately being comfortable, is an important part of starting to feel like he belongs. 

You can also bring some pieces of home with you, like his pillow from his bed, a couple toys, and his favorite bedtime books. Small things can create a sense of comfort in an unfamiliar place—and if they’re around the same age, he can bond with his cousins over those toys and books, too. 

And when it comes to reminiscing about memories, family stories, and things like that—it’s true that he might not have been a part of the memories or stories themselves. But! You can absolutely include him in the retelling of them. Ask him how he would feel if he was in that funny situation, or tie the memories to stories your son HAS been a part of. Encourage him to share his stories with your family. This makes him an active part of the conversation and helps your family get to know him better, too. 

Most importantly, be his safe space. Sit with him if he needs a calm person to understand what he’s going through. Let him come to you if he’s overwhelmed. Your presence tells him that he is wanted, that he is welcome, and that he does belong, even when things feel hard. 

He doesn’t have to feel the same connection to your family home that you do. His “home” is forming through his own experiences, not your childhood ones, and that’s okay. You’re helping him build a sense of belonging that will travel with him, wherever he goes. 

We’re keeping you in our thoughts, 

María Ariken Jiménez

EKC Team Member