Dear EKC: This Wasn't the Fresh Start I'd Hoped For

Dear EKC,

This has been the most frustrating and disappointing start to a school year I’ve ever had. We moved over the summer to a new country and I thought it was my chance to be the person I know I can be. In my old school I had friends but I wasn’t popular or cool and I thought it was because everyone had known me for too long, like in my nerdy phase. It’s hard to get over being the “weird kid.” 

So when we moved, I was actually pretty excited. Yeah, it’s hard to start new and everything, especially because I don’t speak the language yet, but I feel okay about that–I’ll learn. More importantly, I totally revamped my style and had this vision of walking through the doors and meeting everyone, cool, confident. And I’m new so I felt like I’d be automatically interesting. I thought I’d make friends right away and have my weekends full of plans. 

Instead it’s just not that. Mostly I feel kind of invisible. Or embarrassed because I don’t get the jokes or like, different quirks of the language. It feels like I’m always behind and I need help and people feel bad for me instead of wanting to be friends. They’ve known each other forever and I’m kind of an outsider. 

Back home I was always a good student, too. It felt easy. Here, even if we’re going over things I already know, it’s like my words get trapped in my mouth. Everything feels different. The teachers explain things in a way I don’t get yet. I spend so much energy just trying to keep up that even if I was making friends, I feel like I’d be too tired to hang out after class. 

It’s like–wasn’t this supposed to be my new beginning? I feel like I’ve let myself down, like I thought the problem was my old school but it was me, all along. And now I can’t even keep up in school. I wanted this to be the place where I finally fit but instead it feels like I’ve lost part of myself. 

Is it normal for a “Fresh start” to feel like a failure? How do I turn it around? 

–Starting Over (sort of) 

Dear Starting, 

Oof, it sounds like it’s been a rough start to the year and I’m really glad you wrote in to share how things have been going. You’re not alone in feeling this way. A lot of teens who move, especially to a new country or school system, imagine the new semester as a clean slate. But once you’re actually living it, the “fresh start” can feel more like a confusing maze than an exciting adventure. 

First, let’s take a deep breath. I have good news for you: it takes time, but it will pass. Everyone’s timeline is different. Some people adjust in a few weeks; for others, it takes a couple months. There are so many reasons for this. Maybe they came from a completely different school system and you’re working in a different language, as you are. Maybe social structures are a little different and it takes time to learn them. It makes sense that you feel so tired! You’re not doing anything wrong; your brain and body are still catching up to all the new things around you. 

When everything’s new, your brain uses a ton of energy just taking it in. And after a move, EVERYTHING’s new: the people, the curriculum, the building, the route to school, the daily rhythm. That leaves less energy for things you might have hoped for, like learning easily, having fun in class, or feeling socially confident. You might need more rest than usual and that’s okay. Rest is a part of adapting, not a sign of failure—and your energy will bounce back as you get into the swing of things. 

You’ve already started something really important by naming what you were hoping for. Try taking that a step further: what exactly did you picture when you imagined your fresh start? Then, see if there is something, even something small, that is going okay, even if it’s not exactly how you pictured it. Maybe there’s one class that’s a little easier to follow now, or someone you know you can sit next to at lunch. It doesn’t have to be perfect to be a “good enough” start. 

It can also help to think about your values. Instead of trying to do everything at once, like join every club, make a big friend group, ace your classes—focus on what matters to you most right now. Maybe it’s connecting with one or two kind people who might become friends. Or it could be just feeling more comfortable in class, understanding one tricky topic better. Keeping those priorities small and clear can make things feel more doable. 

And please remember: you don’t have to figure this out alone. Ask for help from school, from a teacher, a counselor, or a school psychologist. They’re there to support you, even if it feels a little awkward to reach out at first. Sometimes, just letting someone know you could use a little support opens doors to small changes that make a big difference. 

Adjusting to a new environment isn’t an immediate thing. But with time, rest, and a little kindness to yourself, everything will start to even out. Your fresh start might end up looking different from what you imagined—but that doesn’t mean it won’t be something good. 

Sending all the best thoughts your way, 

Inka Homanen

Ad Hoc EKC Psychologist