Dear EKC: Am I Doing Enough?

This feels like a weird thing to complain about, especially during summer, but I feel guilty all the time when I’m not being productive. I thought that now that school’s out, I’d finally be able to relax. Instead, I feel like I should always be doing something. 

If I’m not working on a summer course, I feel like I should be. When I finish one of the courses, I feel like I should be reading ahead for next year. If I’m not studying, I should be answering messages and keeping up with friends. And all the time, I should be trying to find volunteer opportunities or updating my resume or learning some sort of new skill that will help me get into a good university. I work hard, my grades are good, I do a lot of sports, I volunteer. Rationally, I know I’m not lazy. It feels like there’s just always something I should be doing, like what I’m doing is never enough. 

Everyone around me talks about making the most of summer, like it’s some kind of extra magical time. It feels like my friends are all building their perfect futures while somehow also having their perfect vacations. I don’t get it—why isn’t it working like that for me? 

I think that part of it probably comes from being an expat. We move around a lot and every single time, it feels like starting over. Being a “good student” is the only thing I could always manage to make happen, the only thing that feels doable among the new school and people and expectations. No matter where I live, I can always get good grades. It’s a big part of who I am. 

So in the summer, when grades don’t matter—it’s hard. I don’t know how to switch it off or become someone new. Summer’s supposed to feel different but I still feel the same pressure. How do I know when I’ve done enough? How do I relax?

–Always In Motion

Dear Always, 

This is one of those questions that feels deeply personal, but I suspect that a lot of our readers are asking ourselves the exact same thing—especially at this time of year. I’m so glad you wrote in. The first thing I want to say is simple: enough is enough. 

Okay, maybe that sounds TOO simple, but I think that’s the crux of everything you’re writing about. It’s so easy to lose sight of what “enough” actually means. Somewhere along the way, being busy became something to be proud of. Productivity, even for its own sake, became tied to our sense of worth and resting started to feel like something we have to earn. Honestly, I think we’re all probably just doing too much. 

Summer used to be a season that naturally invited us to slow down. Boredom is healthy! We need those long afternoons, wandering around with friends and seeing how the day unfolds. It’s hard that now, even summer can feel scheduled and optimized. We turn vacations into opportunities for self-improvement and there’s this constant pressure to make every moment count. 

I notice it in myself too. Sometimes I catch myself trying to turn relaxation into another task to complete. Have I made the most of my day? Have I been productive enough? Have I used my time wisely? It’s exhausting. 

And you’re right: as a TCK, there may well be another layer to what you’re experiencing. Expats are so used to adapting, achieving, and proving themselves in new environments that overachievement can start to feel normal. Being successful can become a way to create stability when so much else changes. I see this often with students. The idea of slowing down can feel uncomfortable because it raises a scary question: if I’m not achieving, who am I? 

Summer gives us an opportunity to explore that question. 

I know it’s daunting. But who are you when there isn’t a deadline, when no one’s grading you? What do you enjoy simply because you enjoy it? When I hear students talking about spending their entire summer prepping for the next school year, I find myself wondering, “when do they actually get to experience summer?” Working hard is valuable, but so is fun, connection, adventure, and just being young. 

One thing that can help is learning to notice the urge to always be productive. Maybe you’re sitting by the pool and suddenly feeling guilty or doing nothing, or you’re spending time with friends and your mind starts racing with what you “should” be doing instead. Instead of reacting immediately, try pausing for a moment. Notice the feeling, the urge, and take a breath. 

This is where mindfulness can be incredibly helpful. It creates a little space between the feeling and your response. In that space, you might find that the task can wait or the message can go unanswered—just for a bit. The future will still be there in an hour or two. Give yourself permission to have a summer. Not every moment needs to be productive to be worthwhile. 

You asked how you’ll know when you’ve done enough. I don’t think the answer’s hidden in some kind of checklist. It starts with recognizing that your worth has never depended on how much you accomplish. Productivity is something you work towards, not who you are. You’re good enough because you’re here and you’re you. That’s already enough. 

Go have some fun!!

All the best, 

Kate Berger

EKC Therapist