“I keep thinking bad things”: What are intrusive thoughts?
Our brain is responsible for complex and diverse tasks like thinking, memorizing, interpreting situations, etc – it is remarkably complex, and yet we often try to understand it in simple terms. While it would be convenient to think of the mind as a perfectly organized computer program – processing information in a coherent sequence, producing predictable outcomes – this would be largely unrealistic.
Consider how often you begin focusing on a task, only to find your attention drifting to what you’ll have for lunch, a conversation you had earlier, or plans for the weekend. These mental detours are a normal part of human cognition as our brains are constantly processing information. Therefore, rather than logical computer programs, our minds are like a dynamic network, trying to integrate multiple streams of information.
What are Intrusive thoughts?
We are all aware and familiar with various forms of cognitive interference – daydreaming, worrying, self-focus, ruminating, obsessive thoughts, etc. All of these often operate in the background, subtly influencing our attention and behaviour, without our conscious awareness or control. As a result, a simple routine task such as folding laundry can unexpectedly lead you to imagining your next holiday in Madeira, or daydreaming about the possible outfits you can pack on the trip.
Specifically, both adults and children are familiar with intrusive thoughts – a form of uncontrollable, unwanted, and highly attention grabbing form of thoughts or images that interrupt our thought process. Children may have intrusive thoughts about a variety of topics, like breaking rules or doing something embarrassing. On the more distressing end, they may also experience intrusive thoughts about harming themselves or someone else. We’ll get back to these kinds of thoughts in a bit.
While these thoughts can be scary, they are a normal part of cognitive development. The human mind generates thousands of ideas and images in a day, and so it is reasonable to expect that we might have some unwanted ones. Additionally, having an intrusive thought does not mean that that thought is reflective of our intentions or values. In most cases, they are simply unwanted mental events that pass on their own.
When are intrusive thoughts a problem? Are they harmful?
Good news is that intrusive thoughts are not harmful – they are simply thoughts. Although their intrusive and interfering nature can be uncomfortable, most people are able to recognise them for what they are and redirect their attention back to the task at hand.
For example, we all know the classic “What if I press the red button” thought. The thought may spark curiosity, but despite its intrusiveness, most people don’t act on it. This highlights that despite having a thought, it does not mean we will act on it.
For children this distinction can be more difficult to understand. Younger children may struggle differentiating between having a thought and acting on it, or they may think that a thought reflects a certain reality.
For example, a child may have recurrent thoughts about an embarrassing social interaction, like not being able to understand and connect with people due to language barriers after their move. These worries can present in the form of intrusive thoughts like “They are going to think I am weird” or “I don’t belong here”.
These thoughts can also include preoccupation that something bad will happen to a loved one. For example, “What if I say or do something that will hurt my mum?”, "What if I say something that makes someone die?". While these thoughts can seem irrational, and not paired with any actions that actually would cause harm, children may think that there is some truth to them, which can be highly distressing.
When accompanied by strong emotions such as anxiety, shame, or guilt, these thoughts can become problematic. Children may struggle disengaging from them and feel a sense of uncontrollability. This is when these thoughts can become obsessive where children believe that these thoughts are warning signals, or evidence that something is wrong. They may even believe that these thoughts are going to come true or that they say something negative about them.
To manage this, children may use various control strategies such as suppressing these thoughts, distracting themselves, or seeking reassurance from parents. Have you noticed your child repeatedly worrying something bad will happen to you or anyone else around them? It could be the case that they are experiencing intrusive thoughts and this is their way to seek reassurance that everything will be ok. When highly distressing, children may use compulsions: repetitive behaviours in response to these intrusive thoughts done in hopes of reducing the anxiety. This can look like extreme hand washing, checking behaviours, and so many more. Children may think that these behaviours “protect” or “prevent” the intrusive thought from coming true. In a sense, it provides them a sense of perceived control and safety. Nevertheless, this obsession that the thought is harmful and the great effort to control it only makes it worse and more likely to recur.
Where do they come from? Why do they exist?
Intrusive thoughts can be understood as the brain’s “hiccups” – a false warning signal coming from our brain trying to protect us. Just as a hiccup is an involuntary physical event, intrusive thoughts are an involuntary mental event which does not necessarily reflect reality, or genuine threat.
Intrusive thoughts can be highly context-dependent, often more noticeable during times of stress, uncertainty, or change.When our mind perceives something as potentially dangerous, it makes an effort to protect us, often becoming too overprotective and generating unwanted thoughts or images of what we fear the most.
For example, if you have recently moved to a new school, your child may experience intrusive thoughts in the form of self doubt such as “What if nobody likes me?”, “What if I never make friends?”
Understanding this can help parents identify major life stressors in their child’s lives – signs that they are struggling with worry or uncertainty, not necessarily that they are in danger.
How to handle them? Exposure vs avoidance
Intrusive thoughts can be frustrating, distracting, and at times, highly distressing – especially for children who may not understand why these thoughts exist. Fortunately, there are ways to minimize the effect of these thoughts in our daily lives.
One way in which we can manage these thoughts is counterintuitive – rather than getting rid of these thoughts, we learn to make space for them. Avoiding or suppressing these thoughts often makes them come back stronger.
Exposure and Response Therapy emphasizes confronting our thoughts even when they seem uncontrollable and distressing. The goal is not to eliminate the thoughts, but simply change our relationship with them. Putting an “armour” on to “protect” against these thoughts can be through seeking reassurance, using compulsions, and distracting ourselves. Nevertheless, while this decreases discomfort, it teaches our brains a false message: these thoughts are dangerous and need protection. When you stop trying to suppress them, your brain will eventually learn that they are not dangerous. Over time, we learn that despite the discomfort accompanied with these thoughts, they do not have the power to control our behaviour or predict our future, and the anxiety will eventually subside.
So, what should you do when you or your child has an intrusive thought?
Acknowledge and name it. We all have them, so normalize the experience and identify when it is happening. Remember, this is not a reflection of your beliefs, or what you want to do, just your brain’s “hiccups”.
Don’t avoid it. Suppressing the thought gives it power to come back stronger. Instead, acknowledge and accept it
Avoid judgment and interpretation. You are not your thoughts, and your thoughts are not reality. Make sure to observe them from a distance without making inferences about yourself.
If these thoughts are becoming too much to handle, at Expat Kids Club we specialize in helping people navigate new experiences and challenges.. Our mission is to help kids, teens, and families build resiliency and form healthy coping strategies to manage the tough moments.
EKC recognizes the importance of treating the family as a unit, bringing everyone together. We work with an individual approach and a systemic mindset to determine the best through any challenge.
Schedule a call today to speak with one of our therapists and see how we can help your family thrive.