Dear EKC: Is My New “Healthy Routine” Too Much?
Dear EKC,
Okay, so, at the start of the year I decided I was finally going to get healthy. I made a workout plan and a kind of bingo card to reward myself for hitting milestones. I started really paying attention to what I was eating, tracking my calories, and honestly I felt great! I liked feeling stronger and having more energy and seeing my body change. It felt like I was doing something good for myself and I was really committed, disciplined.
Now it’s July and it’s just not feeling good anymore. I’ve lost my discipline. I miss workouts and feel guilty all the time. I never realized how many hangouts revolve around food! My friends are always getting burgers or cake or chips and I don’t want to be the weird girl who isn’t eating, but I also feel like I can’t eat those things anymore. I feel like it’ll ruin my progress. I’m worried about that all the time, even when I’m in class or hanging out at the library after school. I never feel like I’m doing enough, so I push myself harder to stay on track.
I know I can be kind of a perfectionist. But isn’t discipline a good thing? Everyone online’s always talking about how they’ve never skipped a workout because you have to stay consistent to see real change. I just feel….kind of lazy, right now, like there’s always an excuse to skip. I’m tired or I have too much work to do. But also, if I can’t do it perfectly, it feels pointless. If I miss one day, I feel like I’ve fallen off the rails. It’s really stressful but I also want the results so—isn’t it a good thing to think about it so much?
There’s also another part to it. I’m an expat and this is our third country in six years. We have to move all the time for my dad’s work and I find it easier to handle when I have strict routines for myself. It’s like a control thing. I think my diet and exercise has kind of become a part of that lately.
I don’t know what to do. I want to build healthy habits and generally “be better” but this feels like a lot and I don’t know if it’s supposed to. How do I stop being anxious about something that’s just supposed to be a positive thing in my life?
—Trying to Find Balance
Dear Trying,
First things first, I’m really glad that you used the word “balance” because that’s exactly what healthy habits are meant to create. Building discipline around healthy eating and exercising habits can be a great thing, a way to take care of yourself. But it sounds like you are teetering at that point of no longer supporting your life, but taking it over instead.
When we look at discipline vs. obsession, one question I ask is whether the habit is starting to affect how you’re functioning in other parts of your life. For example, what happens when you don’t stick to the plan? If the first feeling is intense guilt or shame, as you mentioned, that’s a sign to pay attention.
Another clue is whether your habits stop you from enjoying the things you used to love. You said that going out was starting to feel stressful because you feel like you “can’t” eat the foods you used to, and you should be exercising instead. This suggests that it’s a good moment to pause, step back, and consider dialing down the intensity so the habit is not something controlling you.
I have another question for you, too: are you still listening to your body? Imagine that you’re genuinely tired one day and your body is telling you to rest. If you can stay home without feeling that sense of failure, your habit is probably still working for you. If resting feels impossible because you’ve created rules that can’t be broken—that could be a sign that things are becoming a bit too rigid.
You’re right in that perfectionism often sneaks into healthy habits. It tells us that we have to get everything right immediately (and how much is this messaging reinforced by what we see on social media!?). We expect ourselves to stick to every workout, every meal, every plan without missing a beat. The problem is that real progress almost never actually looks like that. There are many ups and downs, and setbacks aren’t proof of any sort of “failure,” they’re just part of the process.
It can help to remind yourself of that before you even begin. Instead of going for perfect consistency, think in terms of small steps. There will be days when things don’t go according to plan and it can be helpful to find ways to take that in stride.
If you’re following your plans 70-80% of the time, you’re already moving in the way you want. At this rate, it’s also much more sustainable and realistic. When your plan includes flexibility (so that you don’t feel like a “failure” when you deviate from it), that kindness to yourself allows you to move towards your goals in a way that feels supportive rather than like discipline.
You also hit on another good point: as an expat, routines can feel especially comforting because they offer a sense of stability when so much around us changes. In expat life so many things like people, places, cultures, languages can shift (and sometimes all at once) and it’s totally natural to crave routine and familiarity to ground us in our experiences when so much feels outside of our control. Just remember that the strongest routines are the ones that leave room for being human. And if you’re having a hard time with that or you find that it’s making the obsessive thoughts louder, it might be time to talk with a therapist. We’re here to help you as you go through transitions and find new routines that work with you, not against you.
Caring for yourself with consistency, flexibility and compassion can be more meaningful than sipping dessert or never missing a workout. When you’re being kind to yourself in the context of changing plans, you’re building the ability to find balance—and that’s a skill that will carry you well through years to come.
Wishing you all the best,
Karolina Dąbrowska
EKC Psychologist