Dear EKC: Going "Home" for the Summer Doesn't Feel like Home

Dear EKC, 

Every summer we go “back home” to visit my grandparents, cousins, and a bunch of family and friends. I know I’m lucky to get to go back to a place that I’ve known since I was little, but this year it feels really hard. 

I love my family so much, and the swimming and getting the Good Snacks I can’t find in the Netherlands, but there’s this weird feeling I get whenever I’m there. I feel like everyone expects me to “snap back” into this old version of myself. They say things about me that are years old by this point, they make fun of the accent I have now, and it makes me feel really alone. 

I just don’t feel at home anymore, not the way it feels like I should. I’ve changed. But every time I say that, people look at me like I’m being dramatic. Plus, it’s like I’m trying to shoehorn myself back into my old life. I’ve missed so much. I’m not part of their inside jokes anymore. I didn't go to “that party in May.” I didn’t know those two had broken up. I’m completely out of the loop. It’s like I’m some kind of tourist in my own friends’ lives. 

And then we leave, and it’s another round of goodbyes. I cry in the airport and feel guilty that “home” means the Netherlands now, not where I grew up. It’s like I’m going “home” from “home,” you know what I mean? And it’s a relief. 

Is it normal to feel this conflicted about “going home?” I know I’ll have a good time when I’m there—so why do I feel so heavy about it? 

—Feeling Foreign 

Dear Feeling, 

Thank you so much for writing in. What you’re describing is something so many Third Culture Kids experience but often don’t know how to put into words. You’re not alone. 

“Going home” can bring a lot of emotions all at once. It might feel joyful! You’re seeing your loved ones, you’re in familiar places—but it can also bring sadness, frustration, or guilt. You’re allowed to feel all of it. Being a TCK means holding a lot of things at once and mixed emotions are a part of that. 

It makes sense that you feel different from the version of yourself people remember. You’ve changed. You’ve lived in new places, picked up different habits, found parts of a different culture that feel like “you.” That’s not something to apologize for; it’s something you can be proud of. 

It’s okay if you’re not even sure what home means anymore. Sometimes your passport country doesn’t feel like home at all. That’s because home isn’t just a place — it can be a feeling, a rhythm, a set of routines. It can live in smells, sounds, familiar faces, or the way your body softens when you finally land somewhere that feels safe.

That out-of-the-loop feeling you’re describing as happening when you’re with your friends is real and painful. It’s normal to feel like you’ve missed out on a chunk of their lives, even though you’re happy to see each other. Try being kind to yourself when that feeling comes up. Your life hasn’t stopped, you’ve just been growing in a different direction. 

The comments people make about your accent or things you’ve “forgotten” can also be hurtful, even if they’re meant as jokes. It’s okay to let someone know when something stings. You don’t need to brush it off or pretend everything’s fine.

It’s also common to feel like you’re caught between places, like you don’t fully belong in any one of them. That “in-between” feeling can be uncomfortable. But it’s also a sign of how rich your life is. You’re not missing a home, you’re building one that looks a little different from other peoples’. 

Try taking a couple quiet moments throughout your trip and when you’re back to check in with yourself. What parts of the visit feel good? What have you been looking forward to, and how is it to have it again? What are some unexpected joys or pleasures? What are you looking forward to having or doing when you head back to the Netherlands? Taking a little time for yourself to think and process your feelings can help you feel more grounded. 

And if your language feels rusty or your accent feels “off,” don’t be hard on yourself. That happens to everyone when they haven’t used a language in a while. You deserve time to get back in the groove of things. It’ll come back. 

Through all of it, try remembering to make space for yourself. Visiting family and friends can be exhausting, especially when you feel pressure to fit in. It’s okay to ask for a break, an afternoon off from socializing, or just some time to reflect. 

This summer, let yourself be all the things you are: someone who belongs in more than one place, someone who has changed and grown, and someone who doesn’t need to “fit” into one label.

Wishing you all the best for your travels! 

Warmly, 

Maayan Cohen

Ad Hoc EKC Psychologist