Dear EKC: It Feels Hard Keeping Healthy Habits

Dear EKC, 

I feel a little embarrassed writing in about this because everyone around me’s always talking about routines and discipline and “stick to it” and I feel like I just can’t for some reason. I’ll have a week or two where I’m excited about my new plan. I’ll wake up early, go for a run, pack a good lunch, drink water, maybe even journal. I feel proud! I feel like it’s sustainable. And then it’s not and I don’t know why. 

Maybe part of it is that I have friends who live in different time zones, so I sometimes stay up too late texting them. Or I get stressed about school, or I wake up tired, and I think I’ll just skip one thing—but then it’s been a full day “off my routine,” and then two days, three days…and there it goes. 

Living abroad makes it harder too. My schedule changes when other family visits and the food’s really different here. My sports season doesn’t line up with the one back home so it’s like my body’s expecting something that doesn’t happen. I feel like I’m always adjusting and every time I get it together, something happens and it’s back to square one. 

I hate this about myself. I feel really bad about it. Why can’t I just be consistent? Why can’t I be like my friends who have it all sorted? Healthy habits are supposed to make you feel better and when I’m doing them, they kind of do I guess? But then I fall off and I feel like a failure. I also feel like I’m just being really dramatic about it and I don’t want to be. How do I do better? 

–Tired of Starting Over

Dear Starting, 

This is the most relatable letter I’ve read in a long time. So many teens (and adults!) feel exactly this way. Keeping healthy habits is just hard sometimes, it’s one of the annoying parts about being human. 

One of the first things I’d suggest is figuring out why this is important to you, outside of all those external influences. It’s easy to get stuck in that loop of instagram doomscrolling, watching your friends, hearing your parents or teachers talk about it. But why is it important to you, personally? 

A routine’s there to help you feel steady, strong, clear-headed, present with your friends, and able to show up in life. When you’re working towards the “why,” the habits become less about perfection and more about direction. Think about what you want to achieve and work towards those goals, whether or not it works to do it in a regimented way. 

It might even help to take it all the way down to the micro-level: endorphins and other feel-good chemicals release in the body when we’re doing something meaningful. Or you might be a person who prefers thinking about it in the opposite way. Zoom out to a broader perspective and consider what you’re doing and how it helps you connect with everyone and everything around you. 

Here’s something else you have to remember: every time we’re moving towards a goal, there are also going to be taxes, cons, and downsides. It’s part of the deal. And when it comes to goals, there are also only 24 hours in a day.  You can't possibly prioritize every goal you might have. 

If you’re working on your health (an important and noble goal), waking up earlier might mean going to bed when your friends are still online. Cooking at home means sometimes missing out on takeaway. Going for a run might mean that tomorrow you feel sore. It’s not a sign that there’s something wrong; it’s just that there’s a price to pay for moving forwards. 

It also sounds to me like you’re dealing with a bad case of Mean Thoughts. Your brain’s just being mean to you. It’s making you compare yourself to your friends and coming to the conclusion that you’re falling short. It’s giving you words like “failure,” “hate,” “why can’t I just…?” That never feels great and I’m sorry it’s happening. But it makes me think about a kind of therapy called ACT. 

ACT stands for Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, which is all about helping people do things that bring them closer to the life they want to live, while accepting things for what they are – including the things they’d rather change if they could. Acceptance doesn’t mean you agree with or learn to want something that you don’t like, it’s about letting it be there even though you don’t like it. This approach helps us consider the benefits, keep our eyes on the prize, and think about what we’re trying to achieve with any behavior, even when things are tough.

ACT’s also about observing with mindful awareness to inform the choices you’re making, while offering patience, kindness, and self-compassion along the way when you end up doing things that are not aligned with your values. We actually have a phrase for this in ACT too, it’s called “getting hooked” and it happens to us when experiences are so overwhelming that it becomes really hard to keep doing things that matter. You deserve to be a good friend to yourself and you can actually start by retraining your brain to change those mean thoughts into kinder ones. This is something we’d be able to help you with in therapy sessions. 

It’s funny you wrote in about this actually; I was just talking with one of my clients who was in one of those Mean Thoughts cycles, beating herself up. But she’d never, for example, feel that way about her best friend. And her best friend would never speak to her that way either. She’d talk to her best friend as kindly as she could, even when worried about her—maybe even especially kindly then. We figured out some ways that could help her talk to herself the same way she’d talk to her best friend. 

Plenty of research has shown us that the best coaches are the ones who are encouraging and positive. The worst ones are critical and demotivating. Think of your favorite teacher or coach: do they scream “You’re hopeless! You’re failing!” if someone makes a mistake or misses something? Or do they say “Okay, reset, good try but not yet there.” Which approach makes you want to try again? You can be your own best coach, too. 

Another thing that really struck me as wise is that you mentioned that you’re an expat and that your life isn’t always stable. Your health can fluctuate, your capacity can fluctuate—sometimes you just have different nutritional, energetic, and emotional needs than you’d originally anticipated. Add moving countries, time zones, social shifts, exam periods—no wonder you sometimes feel out of whack. 

Try shifting your goal from “never stepping out of line” to noticing when you’re drifting, speaking kindly to yourself, and taking one step back in the direction you want to head. It can be as easy as a single glass of water, or a short walk. Maybe one earlier night in the week. You’re looking for progress, not perfection, and that’s a skill you’ll be able to use for the rest of your life. 

I’m cheering you on! 

Kate Berger

EKC Therapist