Dear EKC: How Do I Handle Long Distance Love?

Dear EKC, 

I’m hurting right now. I just moved to a new country with my family and my boyfriend stayed behind. We promised so many things—calling all the time, virtual movie nights, that sort of thing, and we kept trying to smile even though we both wanted to cry. Our friends said we were really brave but I don’t feel brave. I mostly feel quiet. 

Some days here are okay. I started school and I’ve met some people who might become friends? I have people to sit with in class at least. It’s just hard at night, when it’s so quiet, and I miss him in a way that feels like a physical pain in my chest. I didn’t know that heartbreak could be so real. It literally feels like my heart is breaking.

We FaceTime all the time. Sometimes we talk, sometimes we just kind of do our own thing while hanging out together. It’s weird—because we’re on the phone all the time, it’s like we’re some kind of combination of still close and really far apart. Sometimes when we hang up, I just stare at my phone for a minute because I want to hold on to him a little longer. 

I’m feeling torn between my two lives and I don’t know what to do about it. If I enjoy myself here, I feel guilty because he’s still back home and it feels like I’m abandoning him. But if I only focus on him, I can’t really live a life in this new place. I’ve moved before, my family changes countries every few years for my dad’s work, but this is the first time I’ve really had to leave someone I love like this behind. 

I know my mom’s a little worried. She keeps making my favorite foods and telling me I’ll adjust. And yeah, I know I will? But I don’t want it to be me who adjusts, I want us to adjust. I want us to be alright. Right now I’m basically just trying to get through every day without crying. 

How do I take care of our relationship while also learning how to live here? How do I make sure he knows he’s important to me while I still start a new life? 

—Trying In Two Places

Dear Trying, 

I’m so glad you reached out. What you’re going through is so big. Moving countries as a teen is already a lot and adding a long-distance relationship on top of that can feel overwhelming, confusing, and lonely. It makes sense that you’re feeling a little all over the place right now. Try centering yourself a little first: taking some deep breaths, looking at things around you, and just being right where you are. 

Okay, let’s start with saying something out loud: this is not an easy time or transition and you don’t have to pretend you’re “fine.” Let yourself experience whatever comes up for you. Sadness, anger, missing home, and moments of hope and excitement all have a place here. This is a time to be honest about how you feel with the people closest to you: your boyfriend, your family, and yourself. Sharing these feelings out loud can take some of the weight off your shoulders. You don’t have to carry all of this alone. 

It’s also important to name that this separation can bring up a lot of difficult emotions, especially when you feel like you don’t have much control. It’s hard to change countries for your family. It can be incredibly frustrating. If you’re feeling resentment, grief, or a sense of helplessness, it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. It’s a reasonable reaction to the position you’re in. 

It sounds like you and your boyfriend are doing a great job of keeping structure in your relationship. Scheduling times to meet up again (whether in person or online) can give both of you something concrete to hold onto and make the waiting more manageable. It’s a clear plan and something that reminds both of you that you’re important to the other. 

I also love that you sometimes do your own thing while “hanging out” on FaceTime! You can also try cooking the same meal (sometimes it might be dinner for one of you and lunch for the other, but it’s still cooking together), watching a movie, or playing an online game. These shared moments help you really feel connected, like you’re having a date night, instead of just catching up on your days. 

At the same time, it’s such a balance. Try not to isolate yourself. It sounds like you’re already meeting people who could become friends, and that’s so important. You deserve connection where you are, too. This is another place where having scheduled calls can come in—you know when he’s going to call, so you’re free to make other plans until then. Building a community around you where you are will help you feel more like yourself again. 

Finding out who you are in this new place, with new people will also help you adjust to this change. You deserve space to figure out what you need right now. You’re working on finding a rhythm between keeping in touch with your partner and spending your time meeting new people and going to new places. To that end, share your new life and activities with your boyfriend! Tell him about school, new friends, the funny things that happen at lunch, things that pique your shared interests. Let him be a part of this new chapter.

I know you’ve moved before, so you know the ropes. You’re already in school, which is a great place to meet people and build that community. Maybe join a club, try a sport, take an outside-of-school class, or just explore your new home. Life here can also have meaning and warmth, even while you miss someone far away. Don’t be afraid to create individual experiences again.

Long-distance asks a lot from people, especially TCKs who are already adjusting to change. Be gentle with yourself and take things one day at a time. Stay open with those who care about you. Build routines and make plans in both places: your relationship with your boyfriend and the new life you’re building in your new country. You don’t have to choose between loving someone far away and building a life here. There’s room for both. 

Wishing you all the best, 

Maayan Cohen 

Ad Hoc EKC Therapist