Dear EKC: Help! We Need a Vacation From Summer Vacation!

Dear EKC,

We’re a family of five and we moved to Europe a couple years ago. It’s been really great for all of us: I have a new job, my husband’s remote, and the kids are thriving in their new school. The best part of the year’s the summer: we have SO much time off, compared to how it used to be in the states. And of course, we want to use it as well as we can.

We just wrapped up the first two wonderful whirlwind weeks with zoos, museums, parks, and so much ice cream I think we’re half gelato by this point. It’s been incredible…..andddd exhausting. 

My seven-year-old had a meltdown in a museum because her stuffed fox was back at home. My ten-year-old got really overwhelmed at the water park when we couldn’t find a quiet place to sit and he was feeling too hot. And whoof, it feels like the three-year-old’s a beautiful ball of energy and excitement—right when everyone else is ready for a nap. 

I know these are all really reasonable times to feel overstimulated, for adults and kids alike. It’s not that, it’s more that it’s hard to handle it all day every day, juggling three kiddos between two adults. We’re outnumbered. We’re trying to schedule in fun activities as much as we can but it’s starting to feel like we’re not having fun. During the year, we have our go-to tools: the calm down corner, fidget toys, a picture schedule, one of those clocks with the different colors to show a countdown. The routine of school days helps way more than we realized. As soon as we’re out and about, it all goes out the window. 

I thought I’d write in when it got to the point that I noticed myself snapping at them sometimes. I tried to take deep breaths. I always kept snacks on hand (I know that I’m prone to some serious hanger). But it didn’t feel like enough. I started feeling like I was failing them, honestly. It’s the worst feeling, especially when it’s summer, we’re all together, and we want to keep the mood light if we can. 

So basically, my question is this: how can I support the kids’ emotional regulation during the holidays? How do we handle not having our usual routine while we’re running on heat, sugar, and city passes? 

Help!!

—Trying My Best (But Also Very Tired)

Dear Trying, 

Oh man, I hear you. Isn’t that how it always goes? Everyone talks about how summer’s supposed to be relaxing, and instead it ends up being one of the most emotionally draining times of the year. It’s disorienting to be away from your usual rhythm and resources. Thank you so much for writing in; your story’s one we hear all the time and we do, in fact, have a couple tips that might help. 

The biggest shift I recommend, and I say this with all the love (and vowels) it deserves, is to slloooowwwwwww dooooowwwwwwwnnnnnnn. The good thing about not having school routines and appointments all day is that you can take advantage of all the open space. That openness is golden. It’s in those unscheduled moments, without the pressure of having somewhere to be, that your kids can actually start regulating more independently. 

Maybe it starts with something as simple as tying shoes. During the school year, it can be a frustrating part of the morning: the clock’s ticking, you have to go, and “Mom, you do it!” becomes the norm (and a bit of a relief). But in summer, there’s no rush! You get to sit down together and say, “Let’s figure out where it’s getting tricky.” The space means that there’s presence and patience, emotional room to try again. Often, that’s all they need. 

You don’t have to pack every day with activities, either. In fact, it helps not to. When kids aren’t overplanned, they can tune into themselves more easily (and so can you). Let the day just unfold naturally sometimes. Leave breathing space between outings. If something starts going off the rails, you can pivot instead of pushing through. Let flexibility be your best friend this summer. 

Flexibility might also help with sleep schedules. If possible, you might also consider loosening up bedtimes and wake-up times. When kids are allowed to sleep in a little, it gives everyone’s nervous system a chance to soften. 

Out of the house, with your usual calm-down corner far away, you can still model calm regulation yourself. Remember: your experience and hard-won abilities are some of the most powerful tools in the box. When you feel frustrated, go through your usual calm-down cycle, but do it out loud. Name your emotions. Eat a snack and offer one around. Count back from ten. Sing a song. Jump up and shake the tension from your body. Say you’re going to take some deep breaths and then take them. Let your kids see how you’re managing your emotions. They don’t need perfection; they need your example. 

Inviting them to help with real-world tasks can also support regulation. Going grocery shopping together and letting them choose a fruit or a snack gives them a sense of control and engagement. Summer’s a great time to eat outside: setting the table for an outdoor meal is less stressful when spills aren’t a big deal. Even mopping the floor can be a time for connection and regulation: it’s peaceful and repetitive, a perfect recipe for a quiet moment.

Another thing you might find helpful is building quiet time in the day, even when there’s no formal nap time. Giving everyone a window for drawing, reading, or just thinking and resting can create a reset point. Try doing it without screens. They can be tempting, but I’ve seen again and again that kids actually stop asking for them after a few consistent days without. It’s worth riding out the initial pushback. They adjust way more quickly than we expect. 

And of course, whenever possible, be outside. Nature has an extraordinary regulating effect. I’ve watched my own son walk away in frustration (down the hill, toward a tree, still in sight but far enough to take space) and return calm all on his own. I didn’t even have to step in! Nature and space, and fresh air did it for me. 

Being outside in the summer’s also a good place to get messy! There’s so much joy in bumps and muddy feet and the pride kids feel when they’ve climbed, fallen, and gotten back up again (with a bruise to show off the next day). Let that be a part of your summer too. 

And if nothing else, just remember to keep breathing. You’re already doing it, taking care of yourself and your family day by day in a chaotic season. You’re not failing, you’re navigating—and your kids are learning right alongside you. 

Warmly, 

Kate Berger

EKC Psychologist