Dear EKC: How Do We Stay Close When Uni's Far Away?

Dear EKC,

Our daughter is heading off to university in another country this fall and I’m having a really hard time with it. We’ve lived abroad for years and so much of our family identity has been shaped by being together as expats. We’ve moved together, changed schools, experienced different cultures, everything you can imagine. I don’t know why this feels so different. 

I keep finding myself crying at random moments. Yesterday it happened in the cheese aisle of the grocery store—I was picking up her favorite cheese and realized it was the last time. It was so weird! The tears just started and I couldn’t stop them. It’s those little “last” moments, the times that I realize everything’s going to change, that it overwhelms me. 

She’s so excited (and nervous) about going off on her own and she’s going to do great. I’m so proud of her. I feel bad for making this huge time in her life “about me” when it should be about her, but it feels like our lives are splitting apart for the first time. I want to respect her independence but I’m also so scared of losing the closeness we have.

How can we stay connected without me holding on too tightly? What can I do to help her little brother with the changes too? How do I navigate my own feelings as they bounce back and forth between pride and grief? 

—Holding On But Letting Go

Dear Holding, 

This was such a thoughtful letter. You did such a beautiful job of putting words to something so many parents feel but can’t always figure out how to express. You’re right: this is a whole new situation for both of you. It’s exciting, but it can also be unsettling. Even after all the transitions you’ve handled as an expat family, this might be the first time your lives are truly happening in two different places at once. That’s a huge shift. 

Your relationship with your daughter is changing and it’s okay to grieve that. It’s also true that her relationship with her brother’s going to change. Giving everyone in the family room to adjust is so important. Something I encourage families to do is pause, in the middle of all the practical planning, and really focus on the “now.” How are you each feeling about this transition? How do you want to say goodbye in the moment? 

Sometimes, marking the occasion with a small ritual creates a sense of closure and connection before the next chapter begins. It doesn’t have to be elaborate; it can be a favorite meal, a walk together, or writing notes to each other. It’s just about what you need and what will help you feel better, together. 

It also helps to talk openly about expectations, wishes, and worries. In what ways do you both want to stay connected when you’re apart? Would you like regular video calls, or do you prefer spontaneous texts and surprise check-ins? Maybe there are boundaries you or she would like to set, like “no calls during exam week,” or “let’s have lunch together at least one day when you’re home.” And, for that matter, what helps her feel most at home when she comes back for breaks? Special foods, family traditions, or just time to sleep in and relax?

Be creative with connection. Maybe holidays won’t always line up the same way, but that doesn’t mean you can’t celebrate together. Can you maybe celebrate your birthdays on a different day, or create new traditions that don’t depend on being in the same place? Think back to small joys you’ve shared and find ways to keep them going. For example, if you used to walk on the beach together, maybe send pics of seaside finds or call while you’re outdoors. 

Through it all, keep in mind that her experience won’t mirror your own, even if she’s going “back” to your passport country or attending a familiar university. Be curious about her world! Ask questions without assuming you already know what it feels like. 

And remember, these conversations don’t all have to happen before she leaves. It can actually be helpful to revisit them later, once the first rush of newness has passed. If you notice her pulling away, check in gently. Sometimes it’s just a busy period, sometimes they need space to build independence, and sometimes they need more from you than you realize.

It’s a season of change, and it comes with some grief, but it also holds new opportunities for new ways of staying close. Your bond isn’t disappearing, it’s just growing into a new shape. If you ever feel stuck or worried, don’t hesitate to reach out—we’re here for both of you. 

Warmly, 

Inka Homanen

Ad Hoc EKC Psychologist