Dear EKC: I’m Feeling Out of Sorts During the Holidays
Dear EKC,
I feel weird writing in because technically everything’s fine. It’s the holidays, I’m kind of doing nothing, and everyone’s making little comments (not in a mean way) about how I’m lucky to have a break. I just feel kind of off?
I’ve been waking up late and then feeling like I’ve wasted the day, like my dad says. I don’t have anything to do and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I never think about it when school’s on but it’s actually good to have like, a set schedule for my day. Now, people ask what my plans are for the holidays and I don’t have a good answer.
Also everyone else seems to be having the best time ever? They’re all drinking hot chocolate and taking pictures and going to snowy mountains and I’m just here, doomscrolling. I feel like I suck at holidays.
What’s wrong with me? How do I stop feeling like this when I’m supposed to be having a good time?
-Feeling Off
Dear Feeling,
OOF, I get those feelings too. I’m really glad you wrote in and first things first, there’s nothing wrong with you. This is something we hear a lot from teens during the holidays and it actually makes a lot of sense. There are a couple reasons you might be feeling this way, and some things you can do to counteract this “off-balance” feeling. Let’s talk about it.
So one thing to consider right off the bat is that you might just be a little wiped out. You’re doing school, social life, moving between cultures, everything adds up. When life’s been busy for a long time, your system often just asks for a break before it’s open to doing fun again. Taking time to sleep, zone out, or do less isn’t being lazy, it’s recovering.
There’s a saying I really love, “when the water’s still, you can see clearly.” If you’ve been moving nonstop, stillness can feel a bit uncomfortable at first. But it’s often the moment your body finally has room to speak and you have room to listen.
When we don’t take care of ourselves for a while, it’s like you’re driving your car with the fuel light on. You can keep going, but the engine’s going to start complaining. The problem isn’t the road, it’s that the tank’s just empty. Rest is how you refill so you can keep going.
Another big piece here is routine. Even if we want to believe we’re 100% spontaneous 100% of the time, humans feel steadier when they have some structure to their days. When routines disappear, nervous systems flip into Alert Mode. Unpredictable days can silently signal “stay on guard,” which makes it hard to relax or enjoy free time. The wild thing is that we might not even notice these signals consciously; they just come up and leave us feeling vaguely unsettled.
It can also partly be an expat thing. For TCKs and expat teens, when your routine breaks away it can bring up older feelings. A lot of you have lived through changes you didn’t choose, like moves, goodbyes, new schools, new rules, even new languages. When you don’t have your usual structure to call back on, those past feelings of instability and transition can show as that feeling of being a little “off.”
You also brought up a really important part: THE PRESSURE. Oh man, the pressure to live up to that holiday vibe. Everyone out there drinking hot chocolate and taking snowy sleigh rides (where are you people even finding sleighs? It’s the 21st century) and having what looks like the best time of their life. When you’re on social media, everything’s through those rose-colored glasses and you end up with a solid case of the not-good-enoughs. Suddenly, a cozy couch day just feels like FOMO.
So what can help?
It honestly sounds like you’re doing great. You’re slowing down and listening to your body. If your body’s telling you to rest, it might just need….rest. Remember: you’re refueling so you can properly enjoy things and that’s really important. It can be the difference between truly enjoying them and feeling like you’re muddling through.
It might also help to make a little routine for yourself, while your usual routine of school and activities are paused. You can wake up around the same time, eat normal meals at regular times, and try to step outside once a day. Having at least one anchor activity you can count on, whether that’s a morning routine or an afternoon walk, can be really helpful. It doesn’t need to be impressive or elaborate, it just needs to be yours.
Make space for your feelings without judging them. You don’t have to fix anything right away; sometimes just naming them is enough to take the edge off. Ease up on the expectations. Holidays don’t have to look magical to be okay. Neutral is allowed.
Spend time with people and activities that actually feel good to you, not ones that only look good. For many teens, this time of year is really about connection: feeling seen, understood, and present. And please tell a trusted adult how you’re feeling. Your parent, caregiver, counselor, or teacher will be able to help you here too. You don’t have to carry all of this by yourself and asking for support is a strong move.
This feeling won’t last forever, after all—it’s just about getting through the now to make it to the good parts. Your balance hasn’t disappeared, it’s just resting, waiting for things to be steady again. Be patient and kind with yourself while it does.
Warmly,
Kate Berger
EKC Therapist