Dear EKC: My Daughter's School Has Different Values From Our Home

Dear EKC, 

My daughter started at an international school a couple of months ago and I know it sounds crazy to say this but I feel like we’re already losing her. At home, we’ve always been really clear about what matters: family first, respect for parents, help your siblings, listen more than speak when adults are around. That’s how my husband and I were raised and it’s what we believe gives kids a good foundation. 

Apparently at school, she’s learning something else. Her teachers want her to “speak her truth” and “stand up for herself.” She and I got into an argument the other day and she outright told me “it’s fine to disagree with adults, even parents.” She pushes back on things she’s never questioned before, like traditions, family rules, and the way we act at the table. She asks why constantly. It’s not even the questioning that hurts, it’s her tone. It’s like suddenly she doesn’t even want to be a member of our family anymore. 

I know the school wants what’s best for her. We chose it because it’s also important to have more of an international worldview, to understand how other people function and be able to work with them. But when I hear her saying, “At school we don’t have to…” or “Ms. Becker said it’s okay to…” it feels like I’m competing for her loyalty. It feels disrespectful, like she’s acting like our way of life is outdated, or like it doesn’t matter to her anymore. 

I don’t want to approach it the way my parents would. We don’t believe in physical punishment for our kids. We want to understand them, too. And I want her to thrive at school, of course I do. I just don’t want her to forget who she is or where she comes from. How do I talk with her about this? What can I say to explain? Should we give some more room for balance? 

Stuck Between Rulebooks

Dear Between,

Thank you for such an honest and open letter. So many families experience what you’re going through, especially those with strong cultural traditions and kids in an international school. You’re right: your daughter really is living in two different worlds right now. At home, she’s expected to uphold the values and practices that have shaped you and your family. At school, she’s asked to play by a different set of rules, and often ones that feel like the exact opposite. 

It’s no wonder this feels confusing, or even threatening! But this tension isn’t a sign of failure; it’s a sign that she’s learning to move between two different cultural value systems. That might feel messy right now, but it’s also where some remarkable growth happens. 

It might help to remember that what counts as “normal” shifts depending on the setting. At school, being respectful might mean speaking up. At home, it may mean listening quietly. Neither is wrong; they’re just different environments. It sounds like your daughter’s not trying to be disloyal or disrespectful; she’s just learning to adjust. 

That adjustment can feel awkward, especially when it comes to communication styles. Some cultures prize directness: saying what you mean without softening it. Others expect more indirectness: meaning is read in tone, silence, or gestures. Your daughter’s going to feel out of step at times, until she gets the hang of moving between the two. Try to give her (and yourself) permission to be patient during that process. 

I can understand why it hurts when she asks “why” about family traditions. They’re so important to you, so close to your heart. But I encourage you to see it as curiosity, instead of rejection. She’s trying to understand the “why” behind your values so she can carry them with more confidence, even in places where they’re not the default. By explaining the meaning behind what you do, you’re giving her the tools to stand by her culture when she needs to.

Over time, she’ll develop her own compass. Right now, it might look like she’s caught in between. But it just takes time to build that blended way of thinking that will become who she truly is. The balance she’ll find isn’t about erasing her roots; it’s about growing them into a foundation she can rely on no matter where she is. 

Here’s the part I hope you hold close: children who grow up in more than one value system don’t end up with less. They end up with more. They become flexible, empathetic, and socially aware. These skills will help your daughter in school, friendships, and in adulthood. What feels like conflict right now is actually just practice. She’s learning to notice differences, adapt, and make sense of them. 

It might also help her (and you) to know that you’re not alone in this by any means. Other kids and families in the international school community are having the same conversations at their dinner tables. Try naming it out loud: “School and home work differently, and that’s okay.” This might be enough to take away that pressure to “choose” one set of values over the other. 

Being between cultures isn’t a weakness. Your daughter isn’t losing herself by learning two systems. She’s becoming more: more aware, more adaptable, more global. And she’ll carry the love and traditions you’ve given her into that mix, even if it looks different than you expect. 

Warmly,

Daphne Meerbeek

Ad Hoc EKC Psychologist