Dear EKC: Am I Actually Being Myself?

Dear EKC, 

I feel like there are so many rules about who you’re supposed to be. Like, nobody actually says “you have to wear this,” or “you have to like this music,” but somehow you just know. There are things that are cool and there are things that definitely aren’t cool. And if your friends all like something, it can kind of feel weird if you don’t. 

Sometimes I think I really like the same things as my friends. But then I wonder, do I actually like them or do I just like being part of the group? For example, I started wearing makeup sometimes because my friends do. It’s fun but I also feel like I wouldn’t really do it if none of my friends did. So which one is the real me? 

I also like some things that my friends don’t like but I don’t want to talk about those things with them. I’m worried they’ll think I’m weird or that they’ll make fun of me. And sometimes I want to try new things but what if I try it and I’m terrible? Then everyone will know that I’m bad at it! 

There’s also another thing I’ve been doing for a really long time. I’ve been playing football for pretty much my whole life and everyone knows me for it and it’s kind of part of my personality now. But lately I’m not sure if I even like it that much anymore. But I feel like if I quit, people will be confused. And honestly I don’t know what else I’d do, anyway. 

How do I figure out what I actually like? And how do I change my mind about something when everyone already thinks they know who I am? 

—Figuring It Out

Dear Figuring, 

I’m so glad you wrote in, because these are exactly the kinds of questions that can come up when you’re growing up and figuring out who you are. And there’s no rule saying you need to have yourself completely figured out by a certain age. You’re allowed to still be figuring it out! 

It’s not always easy to tell whether you’re doing something because you genuinely enjoy it, or because it has become part of what people expect from you. It’s part of being human to want to do things that are similar to the people around us. Being part of a group can help us feel safe and connected. At the same time, it can be really tiring if you feel like you always have to be the person everyone expects you to be. 

One thing you can try is paying attention to your feelings. Think about how you feel before, during, and after you do something. Are you excited? Proud? Bored, or exhausted, or anxious? You can also ask yourself, “if nobody else were around, would I still do this?” 

You might not always get a simple yes or no. Sometimes we do the same thing for different reasons. Maybe you play ball because you like being outside and moving your body, but you also play ball because your friends all seem to love playing ball. Maybe you’re wearing makeup because you like trying out different looks and also because your friends wear makeup. Both reasons can be true. 

You don’t have to decide that something is completely “you” or completely something you’re doing because of other people. Instead, try asking yourself, “what are my reasons for doing this?” That can tell you a lot. It can also help to ask yourself what you value, what’s important to you. Does the new thing you want to try make you feel more like yourself, or the person you want to be in the future? 

You also mentioned that you’re worried about trying something new in case you’re not good at it immediately, or in case other people don’t like it. Trying something new is usually at least a little scary. Sometimes that nervous feeling can make us want to stay with what we already know. But just because your family or friends aren’t interested in the same things doesn’t mean they won’t support you. Think about the people you like the most. Are they all exactly the same? Probably not! You can be very close to someone and still have completely different interests. 

And think of how you are as a friend, too. If you had a friend who wanted to try something new and wasn’t good at it on the first try, would you make fun of them? Or would you tell them to keep trying, be their friend through it? You’re allowed to try something new and love it, or hate it. You’re allowed to be really good at it or really bad at it. You can decide it’s your new favorite thing, or find out after a while that it’s just not for you. You might even change your mind more than once. 

The tricky part is that you can’t know which one of those things will happen until you try. Other people can tell you what they think about something, but they can’t tell you whether you will like it. If trying something new feels like too much, make it smaller. You could tell just one friend, or try it for just one day. You can give yourself permission to be a beginner without deciding whether you’ll keep doing it. 

You can also come up with something kind and supportive to say to yourself when you’re worried about other people’s opinions. Maybe, “My family doesn’t understand why this is important to me, but there are lots of other people in the world who love this as much as I do.” 

And then there’s the really hard question about stopping something that’s been a big part of your identity. If you keep thinking, “Is it time for me to move on from this?”, that might be a sign that some part of you wants to try something different. You don’t have to decide that you’ll never play football again. You could take a break for a while and see how you feel. If you miss it a lot, you can always come back. 

Stopping something doesn’t mean it disappears from who you are. It can still be a part of your identity even if it doesn’t take up much space in your everyday life anymore. Sometimes it can even take a different form. For example, imagine a dancer who stops dancing. They might still enjoy watching dance videos, or having an impromptu dance party at home. They don’t stop being the person who loves dancing just because they’re not going to class anymore. 

Of course, letting go of something that’s been a big part of your identity can be really hard. Even if you know that you want to stop, you might still miss parts of it. Give yourself some time to say goodbye. Think about what you’ll miss, and also what you definitely won’t miss. And remember: changing your mind doesn’t mean you were wrong before. You liked something then, and now you feel differently. Both things can be true at the same time. 

You don’t have to pick one version of yourself and stay that way forever. You get to try new things, change your mind, like things your friends don’t like, stop doing things you used to love, and find new ways to be yourself. There’s plenty of time to figure it all out. 

Warmly, 

Inka Homanen

Ad Hoc EKC Therapist